before I became a mother 14 years ago,I took pride in not having any regrets. Back then, I didn’t.

I would have a challenge, overcome it, learned from it and moved on. No point in having regrets because why wallow in something you cannot change?

Fast forward to present day and I’m filled with them!

All the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” pour in, like a dam breaking, and I’m screaming for help.

Where was that fearless girl I knew? The girl who came with a warning label for friendship. It was you either love me or hate me. That girl who was surrounded by friends and was there for everyone and anyone, well…She pretty much died.

I’m still in this body; walking around, smiling and taking care of my son to the best of my ability, but that girl was verbally and physically abused. She’s dead…or at least feeling that way. She’s angry and scared and depressed, broken and lost. For all the years she’s been gone, it’s safe to say she’s dead. All those she was there for were nowhere to be found. When you’re not giving why would you get anything in return? That was the hard truth that was learned in all of this; How one sided all those valuable friendships were.

In a cliche mind, I envision this Phoenix rising from the ashes. In my mind, I’m a Narwhal breaking through the ice.

Sadly, the ice is too thick from the levels of shame and guilt. I’ve spent years replaying scenarios and that’s my personal purgatory. Every single replay I get to find where I went wrong and how could I have played out that situation differently. I’m stuck! I look forward and see all my opportunities and I can’t move.

I hope this will help with the beginning process of a little bit of wiggle room.

• blurb
• Thought Box