Remember being a kid and even a teenager and surrounded by friends? In your twenties and early thirties your friends truly are your family…and then one day:: POOF:: they are all gone. Sometimes it’s from an argument where one another’s pride is at stake so both will suffer, but then there are those when nothing really happened except you fell in love. Granted, it was with the wrong person, that’s all you did and then everyone didn’t like it and they left you.
They left because they couldn’t stand to see the way you were treated.
The funny thing about that is they never saw anything.
You went to them and cried and shared events of what happened because they were your friends, your family and that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Turns out the correct answer is no.
You never tell your friends the real truth. The Uncomfortable Truth. Here I am raised to think that you don’t lie. cheat, steal, or hit your friends or partner but those rules didn’t apply for everyone. The real rule is to never talk about your feelings and the real stuff that makes others feel uncomfortable. Keep your insecurities to yourself. Let your friends ask you over and over “what’s wrong with you?” and keep lying that everything is fine. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Continue to hide the bruises and smile and just say you can’t join and bail out all the time because that’s acceptable. Rarely will you find a true friend to investigate. I suppose that’s because you’ve never had a friend like me.
You’ll never have to worry about chats being made about you and things beings said about you between ALL your friends because they’ll never say anything to your face. Why would they? They are your friends; they are there to go out and dance and drink and laugh and do it even harder if you’re the one paying. They can’t’ be around to tell you anything that may be truthful because why hurt your feelings? If they do that, then they can’t have any fun. Why should they have to feel uncomfortable, right?
Just like when you call everyone and you’re at your wits end, and you mention how life is getting harder and the only response provided via text is the suicide hotline info. Nothing more and nothing less..
……or when you keep calling and then call a group chat and then individuals because you are once again losing it and the only way to make things better is to maybe make a decision where you may or may not wake up, but everyone is busy and say they’ll call back, so you wait…you owe them that. they heard you crying but you wait and wait and wait and then…you just clean up the mess you made and move on and when you call them with a fakest smile and the cracking shrill of your voice that imitates happiness, they then ask what was wrong and they were just too busy, you remember the rules and say “oh, it was nothing. I’m fine” Why ruin a good time, right?
All that pain shouldn’t be felt alone…and it’s not a misery loves company situation. If anything, it’s a damn privilege and honor they chose YOU and felt safe with YOU to really tell them the truth of what’s going on but were left to feel like the burden they already feel upon themselves and their loved ones and in life in general.
The best is when you let them in and they truly get a real glimpse of your life and tell you how awful it is, as if you already weren’t aware but they just wanted to tell you. Nothing more. No help to maybe make it right. No real concern of well-being but just a friendly reminder that your life is in the toilet and remind you of everything you had and everything you were, just in case you forgot but you haven’t and you thank them but they forgot that the only thing you really did was fall in love…the worst love which was the best at that time took everything from you and even though years have passed, they never knew exactly what happened because it would make them uncomfortable and why would anyone want to do that? They don’t need to know that they never saw the things that really happened and how you never told them everything that was really bad because you were afraid but even just the little things, the smallest things shared had backs turned to you and left you to deal with it all. They were never worried why no photos showed full body or what your arms look like or anything because why would we make them feel uncomfortable?
Nobody will ever be me as a friend, a mother a partner, a lover or anything. Nobody will ever be me that i will fight for you and never turn my back on you and even though its uncomfortable, I could only imagine what it would be like to deal with all of that alone. Luckily, I don’t have to imagine what it’s like, I know what it’s like and the moment I did learn the hard way, I felt so much shame and guilt for those I couldn’t relate to because at one point in my life, i too was uncomfortable. It’s a feeling I would never wish upon my worst enemy, but I do wait for the day for those who were in my life and were a huge part of it to experience and then maybe remember all the times they heard “I’m fine” and truly know it was an S.O.S.
Who knew that falling in love could destroy someone so badly and in such an unrecoverable way. What hurts is knowing everything it’s taken, all the relationships and friendships it destroyed that even after all the hard work that’s been put in by one person…it wouldn’t come as a surprise to fall in love again because that love never turned their back, but this time she won’t be able to say she’s fine. Knowing that is uncomfortable…. but why make someone else uncomfortable, right?

• Thought Box