Yeah, Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but i definitely do feel like one this Saturday evening. I help others while helping myself get through this thing called “Life’. Growing up, this is not how I would have imagined or planned things to be. I should be some kick ass attorney in New York, living in a high rise, have a driver and basically living my best life. You notice what I didn’t mention there? A partner in life, a soul mate, a significant other. Growing up, it always bothered people that I never had the traditional goals of marriage and family. I never dreamed of being married or played dress up. Even in fourth grade when playing “marriage” I backed out. I knew it was just make-believe, but I felt the vows were real and I shouldn’t mess with that. Is that strange? My mother raised me to believe I could be and do anything and she always focused on me and never sold me the fantast that I needed a man and family in order to be complete or a “real” woman.
I always loved that.

As I facilitate a group of those who are broken hearted, those who have had their sense of self destroyed by a narcist; I’m over here struggling with my own issues of the heart and mind when loving a toxic person. My heart is a moron while my brain is BRILLIANT. I feel like such a phony this week. Here I am, this fearless leader that is a go to and I can barely form thoughts this week because all the tools that I had, everything I learned, I thought I was brave enough to see him and I wasn’t. I crumbled and I was filled with emotion. As we hugged, I felt my body warm up. I felt myself calculating my height to his and as I stood on the curb, his head in the space between my shoulder and chin, I thought about snapping his neck. Truly taking my hands and just twisting the head in the different direction as a bad adjustment…like a chiropractor.

When we had sex, it was everything that I wanted. He felt amazing and I haven’t felt like that in years but then I remembered how disgusting I was. My stomach is huge and hangs over from a hernia that the Drs won’t fix. I can’t understand how I’m filled with so much waste in my stomach from not going to the bathroom. I don’t understand how these Dr’s don’t care and aren’t cutting me open to just get everything out of me. I want it all out. I want my thin stomach again. I want a lot but nothing as much as how badly I wanted him to just apologize, tell me I’m beautiful and give me the lie that I’m all that matters and I’m everything. I just want to feel like something…anything.

I apologize for the incorrect date mentioned. This was not posted on Saturday as it should have been.

• Thought Box