Without exception to both men and women, the rescue fantasy is what has kept narcissistic relationships alive year after year. HOPE keeps the ship afloat, because once the hope is gone, there is nothing left to fight for. Hope can be real, and it can be an illusion, but in most cases, it is a little of both. The gaslighting dynamic is a critical brick in the rescue fantasy. Issues such as self-doubt, guilt, fear, and the prevailing fairy tale that “if you love someone enough., he or she will change” are what can lead people to spend decades fighting for these relationships. Every day becomes a new opportunity to “get it right”, “to try harder“, and when you look at the typical relationship books, they are about communicating more clearly, being more loving and making time for your relationship. All of this is lovely advice, only if the other person is noticing or listening!

Kierkegaard notes that “; Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved”. The challenge is that when this expression is not met with reciprocity, and in fact the opposite, it can be exhausting and demoralizing. The rescue fantasy is embedded in the public consciousness. In addition, if you grew up with parents who needed rescuing or if you found yourself in an early caregiving role, then it is easy to thing that more love is better. If you do more, if you care more, if you love more, then you will get more back. It’s not that linear, and while that may apply in a factory – work harder, make more widgets-it does not work in relationships, least of all with a narcissist.
When you remove that option, the option of “try harder and your partner will notice,” it can leave you angry., confused, and frustrated. People will live in a place of futility in their relationships for a very long time. In just about anything else in their lives, most of the people. I have heard in my group say, “If I had been this frustrated for this long in anything else, I would have quit the job, ended the friendship stopped speaking to the family member, or simply just quit” Something about close relationships keeps us in even after all of the evidence tells us to run. The rescue fantasy is in our DNA, and the rescue fantasy allows the beasts in our lives to get away with too much. We are a culture that loves the redemption story, and many people want to be the savior.

Although this relationship may have eroded away at your self-esteem, your self-worth, your decision-making abilities, and filled you with a lifetime of doubt, you still keep chipping away at it.
Love is redemptive. experience, and when experienced by healthy people, it can open them up to possibilities within themselves, facilitate growth, and provide strength at times of adversity.

L

• Thought Box