Today, I come before you with a message of truth, a message that may be difficult to hear but is essential for our spiritual growth and well-being. It is a message about the company we keep, the words we speak, and the toxic patterns that can entangle our lives if we are not vigilant.
We live in a world where gossip, slander, and backbiting have become all too common. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama, to join in the conversations that tear others down, thinking ourselves immune to the consequences. But let me tell you, my friends, those who talk about others are not your friends.
You see, gossip is like a poisonous snake, slithering its way into our hearts and minds, poisoning our relationships and corroding our souls. And those who engage in gossip, who revel in the misfortune of others, are not to be trusted. For if they speak ill of others in our presence, what makes us think they won’t do the same behind our backs?
But here’s the thing, my dear ones: we are not exempt from the effects of gossip just because we choose not to participate. No, gossip has a way of finding its way back to us, like a boomerang returning to its sender. And if we surround ourselves with those who thrive on negativity, who delight in tearing others down, we will inevitably become ensnared in their toxic web.
So, I implore you to wise up, to open your eyes to the true nature of those around you. Surround yourself with people who uplift, encourage, and support you, not those who revel in gossip and slander. Choose your company wisely, for it is a reflection of who you are and who you aspire to be.
And for those who find themselves caught in the cycle of toxic gossip, know that healing is possible. But it requires honesty, humility, and a willingness to confront the darkness within. Seek out the support of trusted friends, family, or spiritual advisors who can guide you on the path to redemption and restoration.
Remember, my friends, we are all on a journey of growth and transformation. Let us strive to be beacons of light in a world shrouded in darkness, spreading love, kindness, and compassion wherever we go.
Are you completely head over heels for someone you’ve only just met? Do you find yourself daydreaming about your future together? Do you have situationship?
You might think it’s love – but it could be limerence.
Learning the signs of limerence, understanding the downsides, and learning how to overcome it can be a helpful tool for personal growth, the recovery process, and becoming a more securely attached individual.
With that in mind, here’s your guide to how to permanently beat limerence.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is extreme infatuation: a state of being obsessed with another person with an intense desire to reciprocate feelings.
The powerful feelings of limerence are met in a person’s fantasy, as their reality is not meeting their emotional needs.
The difference between true or romantic love and limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s.
She summarized that those who had encountered trauma in childhood were more likely to experience limerent thoughts and feelings later in life.
Limerence comes from early childhood, especially if the person has a tough, negative, and unsupportive upbringing. Unmet needs of connection, emotional support, and validation causes the person to develop patterns where they fear abandonment and intimacy.
This leads to patterns where the person projects their insecurities and unmet needs onto potential love interests, as there is a belief that the person will fulfill those needs and solve all problems. This unconscious response leads to limerence.
In terms of attachment styles, it’s more common with insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious attached people
The issue is that sometimes people can’t tell if they’re in love or limerance.
Being able to tell the difference between true love and limerence is essential.
Here are six signs that you might be experiencing the latter, not the former:
Obsessive thinking of the person.
A common trait for limerent obsession. This doesn’t just include thinking about them all day but also making life choices around their needs or wants (such as choosing their favorite music or what to wear around them).
Extreme longing.
You might experience a deep sense of sadness and frustration that you can’t be with the person, whether that’s a trusted friend, colleague, or another partner. It gets to the point that you might feel actual pain as you’re in an intense emotional state.
Extreme fear of rejection or disconnection from this person.
The underlying feeling is that you fear being rejected by this person if you do something wrong around them. You wouldn’t be doing that if you’re in love with someone as they would accept mistakes from you.
Fantazing the reciprocation.
Do you daydream about your future, marriage, children, holidays, and all these fantasies of where this relationship can go – despite not forming a proper relationship with this person? This is when you fantasize about the emotional reciprocation, and it can lead to overwhelming desire and strong emotions.
Putting the person on a pedestal.
This is when you believe the person is untouchable and can do no wrong. You crave their affection and intimacy. But it’s not them that’s amazing; it’s a reflection of your lack of self-belief and confidence.
Obsessive behaviors.
Over time, you begin to take more “controlling” obsessive actions, including always calling, clinging to them, and trying to control the person and your life. In some cases, this relates to compulsive disorders, such as OCD.
What are the Downsides of Limerence?
The issue with limerence is that there are two sides to the coin: feeling euphoria and excitement around forming this fantasy relationship can be great. The other side is that it can destabilize relationships with ourselves and our lives.
Here’s how limerence can negatively impact you:
Self-abandonment. When you constantly think about the other person, you’re not present in your own life. Due to a lack of self-awareness, you tend to put yourself second, lowering your self-worth and self-love. This can lead to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and hopelessness.
Obsessiveness. You become so obsessed that it destabilizes your social life, social groups, family relationships, marriage (through infidelity or affairs thanks to feeling “romantic love”), and career.
They don’t work out long-term. This intense feeling makes you become obsessive and controlling, so you end up pushing the other person away.
Destructive actions follow. As mentioned above, your obsessive behaviors make you do things you don’t normally do, causing issues within the relationship – and leading to it not working out. Which, in turn, impacts your emotional well-being and mental health.
How to Beat Limerence
Address and meet your subconscious needs.
When you’re in a limerent state, it’s because your emotional needs are not being met in your reality. The person you’ve obsessing over is highlighting traits that you want for yourself. Ultimately, they can’t give it to you.
You have to identify those needs yourself and work to build healthy habits to meet them.
These strategies include setting up a time to check your feelings and needs, encouraging and complimenting yourself more often, and reassuring yourself you can do it. This is the kind of support that Tranquil Balance offers as part of our All-Access Pass.
Express our repressed traits.
You must acknowledge and practice the repressed traits you love from the person. It’s an essential part of the healing process.
For example, suppose the other person is assertive and strong. In that case, you now have to express and practice those traits in a consistent manner (as mentioned in the advice above) to help get your needs met.
Developing a subconscious comfort zone.
You have to find a comfort zone in how you treat your feelings and needs.
This will take to develop. You’ll have to find your own mental zone where you can express your needs comfortably to yourself and others.
Developing a secure attachment to yourself will help you find this comfort zone naturally.
Setting boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries when limerence arises with a person is extremely useful. You have to put a pause and think about your intrusive thoughts and actions when around this person.
Set up physical boundaries (so you don’t bump into them), thought boundaries (think alternative thoughts on the person), and emotional boundaries (don’t attach your feelings towards them).
The more often you do this, the stronger your boundaries will become, helping you focus on yourself, not them.
Challenge the equilibrium.
When you have limerence, you only see the good in that person. But you really have to consider the traits you were attached to and the downsides to those traits; it’s about gaining valuable insights into the real individual. It’s almost like grieving the situationship.
Find out the person’s flaws to see who the person is. An example could be financial instability. Do they spend money without considering your future? That might clash with your beliefs and approach to finances, challenging your positive perception of them.
Then, look at the benefits of letting this person go. See how better your life could be without them being around you. It might feel painful at first, but as time passes, you’ll focus on how great your life could be without them.
Take the First Steps to Beating Limerence
Remember – beating limerence might seem challenging, but it can be done. You just need the support, guidance, and tools to help you get there.
What is Journaling ? Journal Writing is the practice of taking time for yourself to write and reflect on your thoughts, feelings and life experiences. There are many suggestions for how to journal and what to write about. However, the beauty of journal writing is you can do it in your own way. This means that you can really make it your own creative and life enhancing practice.
Benefits? You can use journal writing to get to know yourself better, to solve problems, make life decisions, improve your health, increase feelings of gratitude and joy. Journaling can help you to heal from stressful life circumstances, to deal with grief and loss, or other life transitions. Or just journal for the pure love it! Journaling is a fun, nourishing and creative practice that simply requires something to write with and write on (pen and notebook, loose paper, cue cards, you can choose your journaling tools!).
What do I write about? You can write about your day including your thoughts, feelings, problems, challenges, upsets, joys, successes and dreams. You can write about anything you want to write about. For example, here are some journaling prompts to help you get started: ● Right now, I am feeling… ● In the moment, I notice…
● Currently, I am thinking about… ● So far, the best part about my week is… You can write about what you don’t really want to write about and explore your resistance. Resistance offers you information about areas you might be feeling stuck, or perhaps procrastinating with, or simply not quite sure how to proceed. Here are some journaling prompts to play with around this: ● At the moment, I don’t really want to write about (and then write about it anyways)… ● I am feeling resistant because… ● If I wasn’t feeling resistant, what might be different in my life right now…
You can free write (simply go to the page and start writing) or you can do more structured journal writing activities such as using prompts. There are many journal writing techniques and methods such as mind maps, cluster drawings, dialogue writing, captured moments, poetic writing and more that you can learn about and use to keep your journal writing fresh and interesting.
If this is something that I can help with, feel free to reach out. I’m truly convinced that if more people journaled, there would be fewer acts of rage. It’s ok to laugh at that statement. I did when I heard myself say that out loud.
In the depths of struggle, where shadows may roam, Know deep in your heart, you’re never alone. Through the storms and the trials, you’ve stood tall, Your resilience shines, breaking down every wall.
Though wounds may be deep, and scars may remain, Each step forward, you’re breaking the chain. With each sunrise, a chance to renew, To rise from the ashes, and start anew.
Embrace the journey, with courage and grace, For within you lies, an unyielding space. A spirit unbroken, a soul so divine, You’re a beacon of hope, in life’s grand design.
So when doubts try to whisper, and fears start to creep, Remember your strength, it runs deep. You’ve conquered before, you’ll conquer again, For healing is a journey, not a quick win.
If you struggle with love addiction, you’re familiar with the feeling of intense interest in someone who shows little interest in you. You may skip over the getting-to-know-you phase and propel yourself into a future of undying devotion.
However, this future exists only in your mind because the object of your desire has shown no sign they feel the same way. These maladaptive and self-sabotaging patterns echo a childhood in which you had to convince yourself your parents cared and would do anything to protect you, even when they demonstrated no such intention.
Here are five signs you suffer from love addiction; see how many resonate with you.
You are drawn to unavailable people.
These partners might have narcissistic qualities, avoid intimacy, or simply show no interest in a deeper relationship with you. You create a fantasy in your mind because it’s easier than facing the reality that this person is not interested in a real relationship.
You find nice people boring.
You don’t feel that chemical attraction to people who treat you well. You find a way to sabotage any chance of a relationship with them because they are not creating the chaos you crave.
This is why we must not mistake that instant chemistry for a green light. In fact, it may be the red flag saying you’re about to enter a danger zone, so beware.
You think if you try hard enough, you’ll win love.
With love addiction, red flags are ignored or excused. You think with enough love and understanding you’ll coax this person into a relationship, even when there is a pattern of evading commitment.
You approach relationships with the same striving you did with your parents or caregivers—striving that never got your needs met and which will have the same result today.
You believe a relationship will rescue you.
Even if someone all but ignores you, you believe this person is the one who can solve all your problems. You’re convinced he or she will make your life perfect if only you can uncover the “real” person inside.
You tell yourself that once that happens, this person will understand you were meant for each other, and you can finally feel complete. If you only need less and give more, he or she will become your savior and fill the empty space inside.
You re-create past trauma.
With love addiction, you’re attracted to partners who make you feel the same way your parents or caregivers did. You reenact this need to win their love by becoming clingy and frantic for their attention.
This activates the person’s fear of intimacy, and they pull away, which only makes you work harder to win their affection. The feeling of longing for someone who appears distant or as though he cares much less about you is compelling because it’s familiar.
It triggers the same false promise it did with your mom or dad (or another caregiver): if I only try hard enough, this person will love me; if I can only be perfect, this person will finally see I’m worthwhile.
How to Recover from Love Addiction:
Take Time Alone for Self-Care
Love addiction often means going from one relationship to another without taking a break to focus on your own needs or process what happened. Consider some time off from dating to date yourself for a while.
Just as we need self-connection before we can connect with others, self-fulfillment comes from within, rather than as a product of what others give us.
See Dating as Information-Gathering
If you struggle with love addiction, you may treat dating as a one-sided test where you prove your worthiness as a romantic partner. Begin to see dating instead as an information-gathering exercise.
Listen to what the other person is telling you without sugar-coating it or telling yourself it means something different. In addition, pay attention to their actions which speak more loudly than words.
Are you feeling lonely in your relationship, even though you’re with a partner? If so, it may be because they are emotionally unavailable, and you have become a little too dependent on them for your happiness and well-being.
Are you in a hokey-pokey relationship? When one partner seems to have one foot out the door, no matter how hard you try to make it work. Emotionally unavailable people also aren’t crazy about commitment or intimacy. If you’re seeking those things from your partner or parent, and constantly trying to “be enough” or “do enough” for them, there’s a good chance you’ve become codependent.
Do your attempts at nurturing love and connection feel like they’re often unappreciated or disregarded? If you find yourself over-giving and struggling to get anything close to reciprocity from your partner, then codependency may be at play. While loving someone deeply can offer its own rewards, there’s also a high price of emotionally investing in an emotionally unavailable or distant partner. Caring too much about someone dedicated to keeping their cards close to their chest can be draining both mentally and physically.
Codependency is valuing approval from others more than valuing your own opinion of yourself, along with difficulty identifying your own feelings separate from another person. That can be a disaster if you find yourself in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. You’ll always be chasing something they are dedicated to not giving you.
The good news is that you can change this. The first step is to recognize codependency for what it is and look for ways to start valuing yourself more. You don’t have to remain stuck in a one-sided relationship. With self-awareness and support, you can start to navigate interactions from a healthier place.
So what are the signs of someone being emotionally unavailable?
1. They communicate erratically and inconsistently.
Do you and your partner talk about meaningful things one day, and then go days or weeks without talking about much besides the weather? While you may expect consistent emotional check-ins or updates, they might be nowhere to be found—leaving you feeling confused, frustrated, and lonely.
2. They avoid talking about emotions.
Does your person shut down when you start to talk about feelings…especially yours? Do they complain that you’re too emotional or sensitive? Folks who are uncomfortable connecting on an emotional level can’t be there for you when you need them. And, they don’t want to be. It’s too much for them. (You’re not too much for them, the emotions are.)
3. They opt out of making plans.
Are you the social director in the relationship? Do you find yourself making all the plans for your relationship because your partner won’t commit to even doing something, for sure, next week? Are they always pushing off talking about your future? Or, do they remain vague and general about possibilities, unwilling to nail anything down? Emotionally unavailable people keep things fluid so they can be in charge. It’s crazy-making.
4. They don’t show genuine affection and empathy.
Is your partner unable—or unwilling—to be affectionate or empathetic? Are they dismissive of your needs? Do they avoid acknowledging your feelings? Or worse, disregard them entirely? These are glaring signs that they are not going to get emotionally involved with you… and leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and… alone.
5. They may not show up when you need them most.
Does your partner often check out when you’re dealing with uncomfortable emotions or a difficult situation? Maybe, they don’t have the ability or interest to emotionally support you. That leaves you feeling alone and wondering if you actually have a partner. Or, sadly, it could be that they simply don’t care that much. Both are good reasons to start an exit plan.
6. They can be overly critical of you and others.
Is your partner constantly criticizing or judging you, your friends, your family? Do they seem to have difficulty letting go of old grudges? And hold on to negative feelings? Emotionally unavailable people use criticism to keep themselves separate and distant, right or superior. Believing what they say about you, without examination, is a sure sign of codependency. It may be time to consider creating your own distance from them and shoring up your self-esteem.
Although it can be difficult to accept, it’s important to recognize the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner and take steps to understand and address your codependent behavior. With awareness and support, you’ll be more able to create meaningful connections with people capable of creating equality. People who can show up as true partners.
Codependency can have serious repercussions on both partners in the relationship. It creates an unhealthy reliance on one another, leaving both parties feeling trapped, resentful, and unsatisfied… for very different reasons!
If you recognize that you are in a codependent relationship, it is important to seek therapy or support from a qualified professional. You can break free from negative patterns of behavior and learn to create healthier, more equal relationships. Ready to start?
In the intricate dance of love and relationships, there exists a silent yet formidable adversary: addiction. It’s a topic often shrouded in stigma and shame, yet its effects ripple through every aspect of life, especially the delicate realm of dating. From the subtle nuances of behavior to the profound emotional rollercoaster, addiction leaves an indelible mark on the path to love.
Picture this: you meet someone captivating, their smile lighting up the room and their charm drawing you in like a moth to a flame. Yet, beneath the surface lies a struggle, a battle against substances that threatens to overshadow the beauty of connection. Addiction doesn’t discriminate; it can manifest in various forms – alcohol, drugs, gambling, or even behaviors like excessive gaming or compulsive shopping. Regardless of its guise, its presence casts a shadow over the budding romance, complicating what should be a journey of mutual discovery and growth.
For those dating someone grappling with addiction, the emotional turmoil can be profound. There’s the constant fear of relapse, the gnawing uncertainty of whether their love will be enough to conquer the demons within. Trust becomes a fragile commodity, easily shattered by the betrayals and broken promises that often accompany addiction’s grip. Yet, amidst the chaos, there’s also a glimmer of hope – the belief that with unwavering support and understanding, love can conquer even the darkest of nights.
But what about the individuals who find themselves entangled in the web of addiction? For them, dating becomes a minefield of self-doubt and shame. They grapple with the fear of rejection, terrified that their struggles will be met with judgment instead of compassion. The facade they meticulously craft begins to crack under the weight of secrecy and denial, leaving them feeling isolated and alone in a world that demands perfection.
Yet, it’s crucial to remember that addiction is not a moral failing but a complex interplay of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. It’s a disease that requires empathy, support, and, most importantly, professional help to overcome. For those in recovery, dating can be a double-edged sword – a source of joy and fulfillment, yet also a trigger for old habits and destructive patterns. It’s a delicate balance that requires open communication, honesty, and a willingness to confront the demons of the past together.
So, how do we navigate the treacherous waters of dating in the shadow of addiction? It starts with education and awareness – understanding the signs and symptoms of addiction, recognizing the role of enabling behaviors, and fostering a culture of compassion and support. It requires us to break free from the shackles of stigma and embrace vulnerability, both in ourselves and in our partners. And most importantly, it demands that we approach love with an open heart and a willingness to confront the darkness within, knowing that together, we are stronger than any addiction.
In the end, love is a battlefield, and addiction is just one of the many adversaries we may face along the way. But with courage, compassion, and a steadfast commitment to healing, we can overcome even the greatest of obstacles, emerging stronger and more resilient than before.
Let’s talk about resilience. It’s not just a word; it’s a powerful force that resides within each and every one of us. Resilience is the unwavering determination to stand tall in the face of adversity, to bounce back stronger when life throws its toughest challenges our way.
Think about it. Life isn’t always a smooth ride. It’s filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, moments of triumph and moments of defeat. Here’s the thing: resilience is what separates those who merely survive from those who thrive.
Resilience isn’t about avoiding hardships; it’s about embracing them head-on. It’s about refusing to let setbacks define us.
Instead, it’s about harnessing the power within ourselves to rise above, to overcome, and to emerge victorious on the other side. Consider the stories of countless individuals who have faced seemingly insurmountable odds—the cancer survivor who refuses to let illness dim their spirit, the entrepreneur who persists despite repeated failures, the student who keeps pushing forward despite academic challenges. What do they all have in common? Resilience.
Resilience isn’t about being immune to pain or suffering. It’s about finding the strength to keep moving forward, even when every fiber of our being wants to give up. It’s about turning setbacks into stepping stones and using adversity as fuel for growth.
Here’s the secret sauce: resilience isn’t something we’re born with—it’s something we cultivate. It’s a muscle that we strengthen through practice and perseverance. Every time we face a challenge and refuse to back down, we become a little bit stronger, a little bit more resilient.
So, my friends, I urge you to embrace your inner resilience. When life knocks you down, don’t stay down—get back up, dust yourself off, and keep pressing forward. Remember, the darkest nights often produce the brightest stars, and the toughest battles often lead to the greatest victories. In the words of Winston Churchill, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”
So, let’s summon our courage, let’s tap into our resilience, and let’s march forward with unwavering determination. Because no matter what challenges lie ahead, together, we can overcome them all.
Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping our relationships and interactions with others.
They are deeply rooted in our early experiences with caregivers and continue to influence our behavior and emotions throughout our lives. Understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into our own behaviors and the dynamics of our relationships.
However, it’s equally important to recognize that attachment styles are not set in stone and can be influenced by various factors.
The Significance of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence how we relate to others in adulthood. There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style is characterized by different beliefs about the self and others, as well as distinct patterns of behavior in relationships.
Understanding one’s attachment style can provide valuable insights into how they approach intimacy, express emotions, and handle conflict in relationships. For instance, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have positive views of themselves and others, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships. On the other hand, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with intimacy, trust, and emotional regulation, impacting their relationships in various ways.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is key to understanding one’s attachment style and its impact on their relationships. By recognizing their attachment patterns, individuals can gain a better understanding of their emotional needs, triggers, and relational behaviors. This self-awareness can empower individuals to make conscious choices in their relationships, seek support when needed, and work towards developing more secure and fulfilling connections with others.
Understanding and Flexibility
While recognizing and understanding one’s attachment style is valuable, it’s essential to approach this knowledge with empathy and flexibility. Attachment styles are not fixed or deterministic; they can evolve over time and be influenced by new experiences, personal growth, and therapeutic interventions. Moreover, individuals may exhibit different attachment styles in different relationships or contexts, highlighting the dynamic nature of attachment.
Approaching attachment styles with understanding also involves recognizing that people come from diverse backgrounds and have unique attachment experiences. This understanding can foster empathy and compassion in relationships, as individuals acknowledge that others’ behaviors and emotional responses are shaped by their own attachment histories.
Seeking Support and Growth
For those facing challenges related to their attachment styles, seeking support from mental health professionals can be incredibly beneficial. Therapists and counselors can help individuals explore their attachment patterns, work through past relational wounds, and develop healthier ways of relating to others. Additionally, engaging in practices that promote emotional regulation, communication skills, and self-care can contribute to personal growth and more secure attachments.
In conclusion, understanding attachment styles and their influence on relationships is undeniably important. It provides valuable insights into our relational patterns and emotional needs, paving the way for self-awareness and informed choices in our interactions with others. However, it’s equally crucial to approach attachment styles with understanding, recognizing their fluidity and the diverse experiences that shape them. By doing so, we can foster empathy, cultivate healthier relationships, and embark on a journey of personal growth and relational fulfillment.
Remember, understanding attachment styles is just the beginning – embracing growth and seeking support can lead to transformative changes in how we relate to ourselves and others.
