Author: Christina Nicole

L-O-V-E

The love bomb and the discard. The devaluation cycle. You go from on top of the world to the gutter really quick. A little bit of bread crumbing in the middle to give you hope. Just a tiny taste of the love they used to feed you. Scraps really. And it almost seemed like they were coming back. The silent treatment. A whole lot of the silent treatment. Not being acknowledged at all. Maybe ghosting. What’s the real difference when all is said and done? First, being called a “soul mate”. A “twin flame”. They waited their whole entire life to find you. Then the stone walling. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The lies. You’ll never have to be alone again. That’s the big lie. It just sounds so appealing. Perfect. But somewhere deep down inside you knew that it was too good to be true. But it was beautiful. Magical. Everything you ever wanted. And you can’t fucking believe you fell for it, can you? Was it real? Was it fake? What about the feelings that you experienced? Was it all in your head? All in your heart? Either way, you feel betrayed now. And of course, they telegraphed the whole break up. Early on. They pretty much told you exactly what they were going to do. All the way down to how they were going to replace the supply. You could see it in their patterns. In the way that they talked about their exes. Their family. Possibly their boss. Sometimes even their friends. Maybe they outright told you. But you were so enamored that you simply refused to believe what they were showing you. Even as they spelled it out…. in crystal clear language. Red flags. Ignored. So many red flags. They certainly are hard to see through those rose colored glasses, aren’t they? And the whole experience feels dehumanizing, doesn’t it? Suffering in silence. Hoping they’d come back if you just suppressed every want. Eliminated every need. If you could just stop. Stop your anxiety. Stop the meltdowns. You didn’t used to be like this. Your nervous system is disregulated. You haven’t cried this much in years. And you try not to reach out, but of course you break down and you do, and you look crazy. Each message obviously distraught. You feel crazy too. And I guess in a way you are.That’s what they’d say, right? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. It was never gonna change. Face it, you knew they weren’t coming back. But you have no fucking self respect, do you? You quieted your own needs. Tried to be less you. Begged. Pleaded. Groveled. Just to be met with a wall of silence. You willingly gave away your dignity. And now you fucking hate people. Don’t know how you will ever trust again. Don’t worry. You won’t. At least not the way you trusted them. And that’s a good thing in the long run. Lessons can look an awful like like love if you don’t pay close attention to the red flags they’re wearing. And that’s what they were. A lesson. Wrapped in red flags. Not love. Just a really fucking hard lesson.

Surviving a Relationship & the Effects of the Trauma Bond

I’m asked what my obsession is with trauma bonds and toxic relationships. There is no obsession. I suppose it’s my drive to point out the signs that should be noticed. Think of it as a P.S.A. for you to be on the lookout for yourself or your friends. I wish my friends would have approached me with this; I’d more than likely still have them but instead they decided to create a Facebook group of how the person I was with was bad, but they failed to tell me that. They also thought of ways for me to get away from him but never acted out. I hope you have friends with a stronger backbone than the ones I had. Think of this as me saving yourself and the friendships that apparently meant more to you.

Toxic relationships can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. When stuck in a toxic relationship, individuals often find themselves trapped in a cycle of abuse, manipulation, and emotional turmoil. One aspect that further complicates the process of leaving a toxic relationship is the presence of a trauma bond. In this blog post, we will explore the concept of a trauma bond and provide insights into how to survive a toxic relationship. Trauma bonds are formed when an individual is exposed to repeated cycles of abuse, manipulation, and emotional distress. This bond can create a sense of loyalty and even love for the abuser, making it incredibly difficult to leave the toxic relationship. In order to break free from the toxic cycle, it is essential to understand the effects of trauma bonds and develop strategies for recovery.

Understanding Toxic Relationships:

A toxic relationship is characterized by consistent patterns of abuse, control, and manipulation. It can be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless. The effects of a toxic relationship can be far-reaching, affecting one’s self-esteem, confidence, and overall mental health. It is crucial to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship to begin the healing process. Seeking help is an important step in escaping a toxic relationship. It can be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance. It is also important to remember that no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Being in a toxic relationship is like being in quicksand; the more you struggle, the further you sink, and it’s hard to get out without help. It’s important to reach out to those who can provide support and guidance in order to break free and begin the healing process.

The Trauma Bond:

A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection that forms between a victim and an abuser. This bond is typically established in the midst of traumatic experiences, where the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser. The abuser uses intermittent reinforcement, alternating between kindness and cruelty, to create an addictive cycle that keeps the victim emotionally tied to them, making it incredibly challenging to break free. The concept of trauma bonding was first explored in the 1980s by Donald G. Dutton and Susan L. Painter in the context of abusive relationships and battered women. This work was then further studied in contexts of parent-child relationships, sexual exploitation, and more.

Effects of a Trauma Bond:

Being trapped in a trauma bond can have severe consequences for the victim’s mental and emotional well-being. Some common effects of trauma bonds include:

1. Cognitive Dissonance: Victims often experience conflicting thoughts and emotions, struggling to reconcile the abuser’s abusive behavior with the intermittent acts of kindness they receive. This cognitive dissonance can cause confusion, self-doubt, and difficulty in making decisions.

2. Emotional Dependency: The victim becomes emotionally reliant on the abuser, seeking validation and approval from them. This dependency can lead to a loss of self-identity and an erosion of self-worth.

3. Isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims, cutting them off from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation further strengthens the trauma bond, making it harder for the victim to seek help or escape the toxic relationship.

Surviving a Toxic Relationship:

While escaping a toxic relationship and breaking the trauma bond can be challenging, it is crucial to prioritize your well-being and start the healing journey. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Recognize the Signs: Educate yourself about the signs of a toxic relationship and understand the dynamics of a trauma bond. 0 This knowledge will empower you to identify and acknowledge the situation you are in.

2. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support and guidance. They can offer a fresh perspective and help you through the healing process.

3. Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your abuser and enforce them. This may involve limiting or cutting off contact, blocking them on social media platforms, or seeking a restraining order if necessary.*

4. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, therapy, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Taking care of yourself will aid in your healing process.

5. Professional Help: Consider seeking therapy or counseling to navigate the emotional challenges associated with a toxic relationship. In order to overcome the trauma bond, you will need guidance, support, and tools from a therapist to allow you to rebuild your life after it was destroyed by trauma.

Surviving a toxic relationship and breaking free from a trauma bond is a courageous journey. It requires self-awareness, resilience, and a commitment to your own well-being. Remember, you are not alone, and there is support available to help you through this difficult time. By recognizing the signs, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, regain your strength, heal, and create a healthier, happier life beyond the toxic relationship.
You can take back your power and reclaim your life. You are worthy of the effort, and you are capable of completing the process. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Poison Paradise

We all know the feeling of being in a toxic relationship.

It’s exhausting,

It takes away our self-esteem and leaves us feeling helpless and confused. Despite this, many people find themselves staying in these unhealthy relationships, wondering why it’s so hard to leave.

The first reason why people stay in toxic relationships is fear of the unknown. When you are stuck in a toxic dynamic, you know what you’re getting – and it’s familiar. Leaving a comfort zone can be intimidating, as it means embracing the uncertainty of starting again and potentially facing the same problems anew. Fear of the unknown can lock people in damaging cycles, making them unwilling to take a chance on something new.

Another reason related to this is fear of change. People naturally hate change, even for the better. Even if they want to get out of a bad situation, they might still be too scared to initiate a major lifestyle shift. This could be compounded by the fear of judgment from family and friends or the shame of living in poverty.

Additionally, there is the fact that often, people in toxic relationships often become emotionally dependent on each other. This dependency keeps them stuck in a negative dynamic, unable to move on and find happiness elsewhere.

If a person has been conditioned to believe that negative behavior is love, they may feel that leaving their partner is betraying them.

It’s important to remember that no matter what the circumstances are, no one deserves to be in a toxic relationship.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy dynamic, know that you are not alone – and there are always options. Draining and difficult as it may be, it’s time to make the change and seek out healthier relationships that will provide you with joy and peace.

Mission Control

It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to write. I take that back, I’ve had chances, but I was distracted. There are things I don’t share about my life (shocking, eh?) I’m generally an open book but it’s not that I want privacy. It’s the fact that I hide my shame. I’m filled with shame about my cancer diagnosis, my parenting skills, my lack of employment because I’m on disability and my shame of not being who I once was.
I loved who I was in the past. I was this ultimate badass and felt like I could have been on the cover of Fortune 500 just for being me, when it comes to skills, THIS GIRL has them…or had them. That fire is still in there somewhere. The fire where I just want to help people gain their independence. To help those strategize on their next business idea. For some reason, I always wanted to be in the spotlight but now I want to be behind the scenes,6 and I don’t know how to do that. Strange, no?
My car was repossessed and it’s the one last thing I have. To have it taken away, I can’t even think about that. I swallowed my pride and I shared online, and I had so many people help me that I cannot even begin to explain all the feelings I had from others helping me. I felt relevant and…ALIVE. I felt like I was still alive when inside, I’m dead. Something I can’t explain.