Trauma Poem
Category: blurb
Mission Control
It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to write. I take that back, I’ve had chances, but I was distracted. There are things I don’t share about my life (shocking, eh?) I’m generally an open book but it’s not that I want privacy. It’s the fact that I hide my shame. I’m filled with shame about my cancer diagnosis, my parenting skills, my lack of employment because I’m on disability and my shame of not being who I once was.
I loved who I was in the past. I was this ultimate badass and felt like I could have been on the cover of Fortune 500 just for being me, when it comes to skills, THIS GIRL has them…or had them. That fire is still in there somewhere. The fire where I just want to help people gain their independence. To help those strategize on their next business idea. For some reason, I always wanted to be in the spotlight but now I want to be behind the scenes,6 and I don’t know how to do that. Strange, no?
My car was repossessed and it’s the one last thing I have. To have it taken away, I can’t even think about that. I swallowed my pride and I shared online, and I had so many people help me that I cannot even begin to explain all the feelings I had from others helping me. I felt relevant and…ALIVE. I felt like I was still alive when inside, I’m dead. Something I can’t explain.
Consistently Inconsistent
I was always the person who you could count on to finish any project. If you saw my name in the group, you’d notice the smiles because they knew they wouldn’t have to do anything. When I saw the smiles, I thought they really wanted to work with me because I had this incredible insight. The joke was on me. This also was the moment I was labeled as a codependent and it most definitely was before I knew I was codependent. I’m sure if came about sooner, but that was the realization
Anticipation
We can never know about the days to come
Anticipation- Carly Simon
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I’m really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day
That song keeps playing through my mind today as I wait to see what unfolds.
Something you don’t know about me is that I fell in love. I fell in love HARD!
I’ve been in love before and I have a beautiful son as a trophy of that love. Regretfully, he passed and my life has forever been changed. This love I talk about is a love like no other. It was a love with a narcissist.
For those of you whom haven’t had to deal with that. I applaud you. I will pray that you live each and every day as yourself and you’re filled with happiness and you stand strong knowing that nobody can take that away from you. I once was that way, until HE took everything.
I gave him everything that I’ve never given to anyone else. I always kept up my walls because it was safety. My emotional fortress was protected. This man purchased a grappling hook and climbed right over. At first, I fought it, but then I just let him stay on my side of the wall. For those who have been in a toxic relationship, I’m sure that may resonate.
My strong personality has always made me the “boss” of every relationship. I made all the decisions and I was even the breadwinner. I pretty much wore the pants and as happy as I was, it was exhausting. I wanted to just manage the household and know I had a man that would support his family. Even though I didn’t get what I want, when I was in this relationship actual gender roles existed. He made me believe we could move mountains together & I know that we could. Power Couple was an understatement in the beginning, His couple friends were jealous of us. The way he would speak about me when I wasn’t around came straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. He loved me. I loved him. I let him on my side of the fortress and he eventually became my Trojan Horse.
At first he was into everything I liked and loved. We would go to holiday events, he was apart of my routine life and as mundane as it was to others, I loved it. I taught him about “standup tacos”, Sunday Brunch…EVERYTHING that I loved, As a month passed, he would mention how much money I would spend at brunch and say it was ridiculous. Our first date was an NFL game because I had a row of seats. Over time, he mentioned I was wasting money and I agreed, so I downsized. He started to make me my favorite meal on Sundays but my friends stopped coming by. They liked Sunday Funday ,but after eating ,he never understood how my friends weren’t paying me for what he had cooked.😳😳 It was the exact same meal and tasted just as good, if not better and they would just leave. They would throw $12 on the table for a meal so the bill was paid with one card, so why not here? I explained because we invited them to my house…you don’t ask for someone to pay for their meal. He then started to talk about my friends like that on how they were using me and planted a few seeds in my head that flourished. Why was I always paying for brunch and drinks and why wouldn’t anyone pitch in for the footballs games, not full ticket price but a little something? As years went by and my friends were always doing it our way and it worked, so why change a good thing? In hindsight, I was being used but back then,,,,that thought never crossed my mind. When I made mention of money, they were horrified and blamed it on him. They started dropping off one by one,
More arguments would occur over this and how he was stepping too much into my life and then one day., I suspected of him on drugs and he spit in my face. I confided in a friend and after that, she was never my friend again. She couldn’t believe that I would have allowed that to happen, How I didn’t do anything, or pull a “Christina” and just flip out and kick him out and seeing me as this newly “weak” person, she stopped talking to me. All my friends did.
Once I was isolated, the verbal attacks started. How I raised my son was bad. My cooking was bad. Everything I said was stupid and I didn’t have any friends to talk to about it…but he did. He had all of his friends. He wouldn’t let me hang out with them so they were filled in their heads whatever narrative he gave. He then would tell me about other women and how he could have anyone and me asking him to not speak to other women so intimately was “my issue” & clearly a display of low self-esteem.
**This was in my drafts and I don’t believe I ever finished. I decided to post as is as an example of what happens.
You give up.
You quit
You stop doing the things you love
… and then you’re left with nothing more than unfinished thoughts, & feelings
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Rather than the Clash song coming to mind, I can’t help but hear Mystikal say “hit it one time you’re hooked. They call me the pu$$% crook” In all seriousness, what makes us stay in a relationship that others label as toxic? When you think about it, we’re only sharing our side of the story. Granted, it’s not made up or lies, but it’s also from one person’s perspective. If it’s so bad, then why do we stay? The excuse that runs through my mind is “they don’t know us” or “he’s nice to me when it’s just us. It’s different behind closed doors. We get one another” I hear myself say that and I honestly feel like a fool. “he’s nice when it’s just us”. Why the hell can’t he be nice in front of everyone? Why wouldn’t he want to be proud that I’m with him? In public profiles he’s listed as single. He talks to women online; he creates dating profiles. Of course, he’s nice to me when it’s just us…. NOBODY KNOWS THAT I EXIST!
It’s humiliating and none the less HEARTBREAKING.
So… how do you decide if a relationship is worth saving??
Relationships can be a rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs. It’s normal to experience problems in a relationship, but what happens when the problems become too much to bear? Sometimes, it can be hard to know whether you should stay and work things out or cut your losses and move on. The decision to end a relationship is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for your emotional and mental well-being. In this post, I’ll help you navigate this difficult decision by examining the warning signs that your relationship may be in trouble, the steps you can take to try to salvage it, and the scenarios where it may be best to walk away. So, if you’re currently struggling with the question of whether to stay or go, read on for my PRETEND TO BE an expert advice.
1. Warning signs that your relationship may be in trouble
It’s important to recognize warning signs that your relationship may be in trouble before you decide whether it’s worth saving.
Here are some common warning signs to look out for:
1. Constant arguing: If you find that you and your partner are constantly arguing and unable to resolve your disagreements, this may be a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
2. Lack of communication: Communication is key in any relationship. If you find that you and your partner are not communicating effectively, this may be a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
3. Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. YOU ARE LYING IF YOU SAY THAT IT’S NOT IMPORTANT. That is a part of yourself, your soul, your body that you are giving to this ONE and ONLY person. If you find that you and your partner are no longer intimate, this may be a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
4. Disrespect: If you and your partner are disrespectful to each other, this is a clear sign that your relationship is in trouble. This also includes violence. Hitting is not love. Saying hurtful things is not love. Talking poorly of each other is not love especially to other people without the others knowledge.
5. Trust issues: If you or your partner have trust issues, this can be a sign that your relationship is in trouble. Trust is crucial in any relationship, and without it, your relationship may not survive.
If you notice any of these warning signs in your relationship, it’s important to address them and work through them with your partner before deciding whether your relationship is worth saving.
2. Steps to try to save your relationship
If you’re in a relationship that is not going well, it’s natural to wonder if it is worth saving. While every relationship is different, there are some steps that you can take to try to save a relationship that is struggling:
1. Identify the issues: Take time to understand what is causing the problems in your relationship. Communication is important, so make sure that you talk openly and honestly with your partner about how you feel.
2. Work on improving communication: Once you’ve identified the issues, work on improving the way you communicate with your partner. Listen to them and try to understand where they’re coming from. Be open and honest about your own thoughts and feelings. Talk about them as they are happening, not weeks later when it doesn’t help the current situation; harboring those feelings seems more like an attack than a talk. Also, refrain from bringing up the past. I want to validate that your pain is real and I know the events did happen, but what is it helping NOW when mentioning them?
3. Spend quality time together: Sometimes relationships suffer because couples don’t spend enough time together. Make time for each other, even if it’s just a few minutes a day to talk and connect.
4. Seek professional help: Sometimes, the issues in a relationship are too complex to solve on your own. In these cases, it can be helpful to seek guidance from a professional therapist or counselor.
5. Be patient: Saving a relationship takes time, effort, and patience. It’s important to be patient with your partner and with the process. It may not be easy, but if you’re committed to making it work, you can overcome the challenges together. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
3. Scenarios where it may be best to walk away
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, relationships just aren’t meant to be.💔 It can be hard to admit, but sometimes it’s best to walk away.
Here are some scenarios where it may be best to walk away:
1. The relationship is abusive: Any kind of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, or verbal, is never acceptable. If your partner is abusive, it’s important to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
2. You’re constantly unhappy: Relationships are not always easy, but they should make you happy more often than not. If you find that you’re constantly unhappy in your relationship and things don’t seem to be improving, it may be time to walk away.
3. Trust has been broken: Trust is crucial in any relationship. It’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship without trust. If your partner has broken your trust and you find it difficult to believe anything they say, it may be best to move on. Remember, forgiveness is FOR YOU to heal but you are not ever forced to forget it.
4. You have different life goals: It’s important to be on the same page when it comes to your life goals. If you and your partner have different goals and visions for the future, it may be difficult to make the relationship work.
5. Your partner is unwilling to work on the relationship: Relationships take work from both partners. If your partner is unwilling to put in the effort to work on the relationship, it may be best to walk away. Remember, walking away from a relationship is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own well-being. Only you can decide what is best for you and your future.
Deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship is one of the most difficult decisions that anyone can make. There are many factors to consider, including your own feelings and the feelings of your partner. It’s important to remember that relationships take work, and it’s not always easy. However, if you are constantly unhappy or your partner is unwilling to work on the relationship, it may be time to let go. On the other hand, if you still have strong feelings for your partner and are willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work, then it may be worth it to stay. Ultimately, the decision is yours and you must do what is best for you. Remember, it’s okay to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy or fulfilling. It’s important to value yourself and prioritize your own happiness. Whatever decision you make, just remember that you are not alone and there are resources available to help you through this difficult time.
I can share some books that may help with your journey:
“Too Good to Leave to Bad to Stay” -Mira Kirshenbaum
“I Love You But I Don’t Trust You” – Mira Kirshenbaum
…AND for some of that REAL TALK, LOVE & Support
Check out Circles.
https://tinyurl.com/6u5wv9a3
I have a room on Friday and Saturday Night but I cannot urge you to join the free, anonymous Group Therapy. Also keep your eyes open for any room run by Meredith Costa.
MEREDITH HEALS!! TRUST ME!
She saved my life and I’m forever thankful.
You can purchase her book https://tinyurl.com/39cf94kw
Peek-A-Boo
New posts every week? I’d say that I may have promised too much. In reality, it’s not a lot to ask of, but it’s definitely hard when the heart changes. A certain someone is back in my life .
It’s a happiness that is hard to describe. I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I am so scared because of what this person has done to me. Physically, Mentally and Emotionally.
Dancing with the Devil is an understatement.
I do love when we twirl though.
To new beginnings … Again
before I became a mother 14 years ago,I took pride in not having any regrets. Back then, I didn’t.
I would have a challenge, overcome it, learned from it and moved on. No point in having regrets because why wallow in something you cannot change?
Fast forward to present day and I’m filled with them!
All the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” pour in, like a dam breaking, and I’m screaming for help.
Where was that fearless girl I knew? The girl who came with a warning label for friendship. It was you either love me or hate me. That girl who was surrounded by friends and was there for everyone and anyone, well…She pretty much died.
I’m still in this body; walking around, smiling and taking care of my son to the best of my ability, but that girl was verbally and physically abused. She’s dead…or at least feeling that way. She’s angry and scared and depressed, broken and lost. For all the years she’s been gone, it’s safe to say she’s dead. All those she was there for were nowhere to be found. When you’re not giving why would you get anything in return? That was the hard truth that was learned in all of this; How one sided all those valuable friendships were.
In a cliche mind, I envision this Phoenix rising from the ashes. In my mind, I’m a Narwhal breaking through the ice.
Sadly, the ice is too thick from the levels of shame and guilt. I’ve spent years replaying scenarios and that’s my personal purgatory. Every single replay I get to find where I went wrong and how could I have played out that situation differently. I’m stuck! I look forward and see all my opportunities and I can’t move.
I hope this will help with the beginning process of a little bit of wiggle room.
