Yeah, Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but i definitely do feel like one this Saturday evening. I help others while helping myself get through this thing called “Life’. Growing up, this is not how I would have imagined or planned things to be. I should be some kick ass attorney in New York, living in a high rise, have a driver and basically living my best life. You notice what I didn’t mention there? A partner in life, a soul mate, a significant other. Growing up, it always bothered people that I never had the traditional goals of marriage and family. I never dreamed of being married or played dress up. Even in fourth grade when playing “marriage” I backed out. I knew it was just make-believe, but I felt the vows were real and I shouldn’t mess with that. Is that strange? My mother raised me to believe I could be and do anything and she always focused on me and never sold me the fantast that I needed a man and family in order to be complete or a “real” woman.
I always loved that.

As I facilitate a group of those who are broken hearted, those who have had their sense of self destroyed by a narcist; I’m over here struggling with my own issues of the heart and mind when loving a toxic person. My heart is a moron while my brain is BRILLIANT. I feel like such a phony this week. Here I am, this fearless leader that is a go to and I can barely form thoughts this week because all the tools that I had, everything I learned, I thought I was brave enough to see him and I wasn’t. I crumbled and I was filled with emotion. As we hugged, I felt my body warm up. I felt myself calculating my height to his and as I stood on the curb, his head in the space between my shoulder and chin, I thought about snapping his neck. Truly taking my hands and just twisting the head in the different direction as a bad adjustment…like a chiropractor.

When we had sex, it was everything that I wanted. He felt amazing and I haven’t felt like that in years but then I remembered how disgusting I was. My stomach is huge and hangs over from a hernia that the Drs won’t fix. I can’t understand how I’m filled with so much waste in my stomach from not going to the bathroom. I don’t understand how these Dr’s don’t care and aren’t cutting me open to just get everything out of me. I want it all out. I want my thin stomach again. I want a lot but nothing as much as how badly I wanted him to just apologize, tell me I’m beautiful and give me the lie that I’m all that matters and I’m everything. I just want to feel like something…anything.

I apologize for the incorrect date mentioned. This was not posted on Saturday as it should have been.

How many times have we said this to ourselves? I never once believed in regrets because there was no use in having them since you can’t change the past so why dwell on it? The one thing I wish that I could get past is all the money I’ve spent, wasted & lost…especially regarding cancer.
That’s right! I have cancer. Stage 4 to be exact. Neuroendocrine Tumors…lucky me, their malignant. It’s also the same cancer that Steve Jobs had & Aretha Franklin. When I was first diagnosed, I was asked about my health insurance because it’s one of the most expensive cancers to have, so if you have empty pockets, SEE YA! Steve Jobs had all the money in the world, and he didn’t make it. Unfortunately, he was misdiagnosed as was Aretha Franklin. You can have pancreatic NETS, but they were diagnosed as having pancreatic cancer. Chemotherapy does not work on NETS, and they found out the hard way.

Is this the cancer of the Type A Personality or the rich and famous? Possibly but not entirely. It’s an extremely rare cancer but also a cancer that was never taken seriously until Newsweek had on their front cover “TOP 10 Cancers Insurance Companies are Taking More Serious” I MADE THE CUT! WOOHOO!!
Not exactly something to celebrate but it’s comforting in knowing that it’s making waves. Drs are now noticing misdiagnoses and that’s a great thing. Too bad they don’t always have the same demeanor when requesting payment for treatment.

You would think that telling a bill collector what was going on that they would lay off the calls, but it seemed as if they called more just to make sure I didn’t kick the bucket. Yes, I make jokes but it’s the only option I have. The healthier option…it may not be the best but if I sat and really thought about my life, I’d cry. Why do that? I’m still here 4 years later when I was first given 3 months. I have my son, but I’ve lost those whom I loved as well, so it doesn’t make things any easier, but I still move on. The fact that one of the best hospitals in the world let me leave the ER that night, once again thinking it was all stress and my fault.

I received a phone call the next morning with the news that a tumor was found, and it is more than likely cancer. When asked why they wouldn’t tell me that when I was there, they said they don’t do that sort of thing in the ER because they need to move patients out and that would cause a dramatic delay in flipping beds. Was that a direct quote? No, but the first half of it was.

This hospital had my appointments booked so far out in advance that no ER Dr could understand why because I visited them a lot. I wish I still could visit as often but over the years I’ve been medically gaslighted, I’m too afraid to go. Sad huh? So, I sit at home. I cry. I’m in pain that nobody seems to understand because it does make me sound like a wimp to say my stomach and side hurt all the time, but it’s true. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.

This amazing hospital broke the news over the phone to me. Had my appointments so far in advance that one night an ER Dr lied and said I was related to him to have them moved up. I won’t list him, but I certainly will never forget what he did. Thank you for that. I still thank you each night I close my eyes and every morning they open. Thank You.
As this hospital finally did the right thing, I received calls about my bills and how was I going to pay for my injections because my insurance did not cover it. Well, I lost my job after having my boss meet the oncologist with me for support. She asked what stage and he said 4. That Monday, I was let go. I then had to pay for COBRA which was almost $1,000 a month. Created a GoFundMe page where I received so much love and support, had a benefit event for myself which a great friend of mine created and as all of this was happening, I didn’t qualify for back pay on social security because I was able to pay my bills and receiving money. I was also shelling out $30,000 an injection. YUP! The hospital bill collectors would contact me and say that if this wasn’t paid, they would stop treatment. I promised my son that I would live forever when he was 3. His Dad died in 2017, my mother was murdered in 2016…I couldn’t put my son through another loss, so I paid and every month as I struggled, I still smiled and paid it because it was another month with my son. They said I was inoperable and as no good news ever came from this place, I still paid and researched on my own because I made a promise.

If you’re wondering how the title of this ties in. Well, I’m almost there.

I wish someone would have told me about applying for Medicaid and disability and most importantly contacting the pharmaceutical company who made this injection about a discount card or something.

I lost my house, I lost a car, I’ve lost my self-respect because friends definitely leave you when it’s too tough to deal with and people also get mad when you don’t die fast enough and ask for donations back because you’re still here and the best is when your very good friend who held a benefit for you lies to people and tells them that you faked cancer and used all the proceeds to go to New York. He will never know how humiliated I was because I’m not only dying but I’m struggling like nobody’s business. I take a lot of effort to not look sick, which that’s a whole other venting session. I can’t ask for help in general but definitely not now. Why? Because I didn’t die. Because I had so many awful things said about me because people think they know the whole story without even asking.
I ended up in one of the most abusive relationships I’ve ever experienced. My face was broken in 3 places, I was being poisoned, there was a murder for hire in effect for me and I went through all of that alone. Just once I would love for someone to go to a Drs appt with me. To not have people stare at my arms because they are covered in bruises that won’t go away and scars because I’m a hard stick, so I allow multiple chances through multiple nurses to try. The most was 12 pokes. I was made to look like a monster, a junkie, everything else but sick with cancer. I had on my discharge papers by one ER Dr that I looked disheveled. I went to the ER with no make-up on, but I’m glad to know how I look when I don’t feel well. I went in one time and laughed when my aunt came with me and was accused of pill seeking because I was sick around the Dr, but he walked in with me sitting upright and laughing. I’ve heard how I don’t look sick and that’s held against me in ways that disgust me. This hospital has no problem asking me for my money but talk so much about me behind my back and leave all those nasty comments for me to read in my discharge papers.

If I knew then what I know now…I wouldn’t have made a single payment. I wouldn’t have tried my hardest to fake it until you make it, and I would not have given refunds years later.

I never grew up not having dinner in my stomach, but my son has had more nights than I’m proud of. I’m broke. I’m sick. My stomach hurts. My side hurts. I can’t afford to feed my child. I have nothing left to sell and I’m completely alone and would give anything to have someone by my side, someone to watch TV with me and someone to really take care of me and help me with my son because there are days, I cannot even be a mom. I’m so happy to still be here and I feel so ungrateful to complain about these things because I should be thankful to still breathe and watch my son grow up, but this is the slowest death ever. I don’t welcome it any faster, but just give me back my life. I was so naive…especially after having a second opinion and they did the surgery (it was actually my 3rd) that everything would go back to normal.

I went through all of this while being with an abusive narcissist. I went through all of this alone and granted the narc has been out of my life for a few years now, why should I have to still try and get my friends back that I lost? They left me. They don’t get to come back now because he’s gone. They can live with the shame of abandoning a friend with stage 4 cancer who was getting beat up. I regret ever sharing my feelings of what was happening because I never would have if I knew they would have left. I regret asking for help and I regret going to the ER that night.

If I only knew that what I know now….i would have done it differently.

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Remember being a kid and even a teenager and surrounded by friends? In your twenties and early thirties your friends truly are your family…and then one day:: POOF:: they are all gone. Sometimes it’s from an argument where one another’s pride is at stake so both will suffer, but then there are those when nothing really happened except you fell in love. Granted, it was with the wrong person, that’s all you did and then everyone didn’t like it and they left you.
They left because they couldn’t stand to see the way you were treated.
The funny thing about that is they never saw anything.
You went to them and cried and shared events of what happened because they were your friends, your family and that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Turns out the correct answer is no.
You never tell your friends the real truth. The Uncomfortable Truth. Here I am raised to think that you don’t lie. cheat, steal, or hit your friends or partner but those rules didn’t apply for everyone. The real rule is to never talk about your feelings and the real stuff that makes others feel uncomfortable. Keep your insecurities to yourself. Let your friends ask you over and over “what’s wrong with you?” and keep lying that everything is fine. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Continue to hide the bruises and smile and just say you can’t join and bail out all the time because that’s acceptable. Rarely will you find a true friend to investigate. I suppose that’s because you’ve never had a friend like me.
You’ll never have to worry about chats being made about you and things beings said about you between ALL your friends because they’ll never say anything to your face. Why would they? They are your friends; they are there to go out and dance and drink and laugh and do it even harder if you’re the one paying. They can’t’ be around to tell you anything that may be truthful because why hurt your feelings? If they do that, then they can’t have any fun. Why should they have to feel uncomfortable, right?
Just like when you call everyone and you’re at your wits end, and you mention how life is getting harder and the only response provided via text is the suicide hotline info. Nothing more and nothing less..
……or when you keep calling and then call a group chat and then individuals because you are once again losing it and the only way to make things better is to maybe make a decision where you may or may not wake up, but everyone is busy and say they’ll call back, so you wait…you owe them that. they heard you crying but you wait and wait and wait and then…you just clean up the mess you made and move on and when you call them with a fakest smile and the cracking shrill of your voice that imitates happiness, they then ask what was wrong and they were just too busy, you remember the rules and say “oh, it was nothing. I’m fine” Why ruin a good time, right?
All that pain shouldn’t be felt alone…and it’s not a misery loves company situation. If anything, it’s a damn privilege and honor they chose YOU and felt safe with YOU to really tell them the truth of what’s going on but were left to feel like the burden they already feel upon themselves and their loved ones and in life in general.
The best is when you let them in and they truly get a real glimpse of your life and tell you how awful it is, as if you already weren’t aware but they just wanted to tell you. Nothing more. No help to maybe make it right. No real concern of well-being but just a friendly reminder that your life is in the toilet and remind you of everything you had and everything you were, just in case you forgot but you haven’t and you thank them but they forgot that the only thing you really did was fall in love…the worst love which was the best at that time took everything from you and even though years have passed, they never knew exactly what happened because it would make them uncomfortable and why would anyone want to do that? They don’t need to know that they never saw the things that really happened and how you never told them everything that was really bad because you were afraid but even just the little things, the smallest things shared had backs turned to you and left you to deal with it all. They were never worried why no photos showed full body or what your arms look like or anything because why would we make them feel uncomfortable?
Nobody will ever be me as a friend, a mother a partner, a lover or anything. Nobody will ever be me that i will fight for you and never turn my back on you and even though its uncomfortable, I could only imagine what it would be like to deal with all of that alone. Luckily, I don’t have to imagine what it’s like, I know what it’s like and the moment I did learn the hard way, I felt so much shame and guilt for those I couldn’t relate to because at one point in my life, i too was uncomfortable. It’s a feeling I would never wish upon my worst enemy, but I do wait for the day for those who were in my life and were a huge part of it to experience and then maybe remember all the times they heard “I’m fine” and truly know it was an S.O.S.
Who knew that falling in love could destroy someone so badly and in such an unrecoverable way. What hurts is knowing everything it’s taken, all the relationships and friendships it destroyed that even after all the hard work that’s been put in by one person…it wouldn’t come as a surprise to fall in love again because that love never turned their back, but this time she won’t be able to say she’s fine. Knowing that is uncomfortable…. but why make someone else uncomfortable, right?