Tag: trauma

Understanding Your Relationship with Yourself

I’m not sure if I’ve already posted this but I’ve been clearing out my writing folders and podcast scripts and didn’t want this goody to go to waste.


Today we’re diving into one of the most important, and yet most overlooked, relationships in our lives, the one we have with ourselves.

Let me say this upfront:
The relationship you have with yourself is the primary relationship in your life.
Everything else: your friendships, your romantic partnerships, your career, your finances is a mirror reflecting what’s going on in that inner world.

Now let’s begin this journey by asking a question:
What is your relationship to you?
Whether you’re conscious of it or not, whatever is unresolved or unhealed within you is going to show up in every single area of your life.

Let me give you an example:
If you carry the belief, “I’m not good enough,” chances are that belief will bleed into your career.
If you think, “I don’t deserve to receive,” don’t be surprised when your financial life feels blocked or inconsistent.
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts, but they become the lens you see life through.

So, to really reach our potential, we have to start by looking inward and identifying what’s hurt, what’s wounded, what’s been buried and then tend to it.

Heal it. Empower it. Reprogram it.

And when we do that?
We don’t just feel better.
We become better in our self-esteem, in how we show up in relationships, in how we manage money, in how we handle stress. Literally, everything shifts.

So why don’t we learn this earlier?
The truth is, we rarely get this modeled for us growing up.
We live in a system built around classical conditioning — punishment and reward — and it trains us to look outward for approval, instead of inward for connection.

As kids, most of us were born into unconditional love. Somewhere around age two, that love starts to feel… conditional.
We start hearing messages like:
“Be a good boy.” “Do better.” “That’s not enough.”
And even if it’s well-intentioned, our little brains start to internalize these patterns as:
“I’m only lovable when I behave.”
“Love is something I earn.”
“If I mess up, I lose connection.”

That’s the first trauma most of us carry: the shift from unconditional to conditional love.
And it sticks… shaping how we talk to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we expect to be treated by others.

So let me ask you:
What does your relationship to self look like today?

Do you show yourself compassion when you make a mistake?
Do you give yourself space to rest when you’re tired?
Do you listen to your own needs?
Do you keep your own boundaries?
Or are you still operating from outdated beliefs handed to you before you even knew who you were?

Here’s the truth:
Your self-relationship affects everything.
It sets your comfort zone, what you tolerate from others, what you believe you’re worthy of, and even what kinds of people you’re drawn to.
So if you find yourself constantly attracting people who hurt, abandon, or manipulate you
You’re not cursed.
You’re not broken.
You’re just unconsciously recreating the patterns you were taught.

Here’s the good news:
You can reprogram all of it.

Let’s talk ingredients.
There are five key components of a healthy relationship to self:

  1. Self-awareness — Truly knowing yourself and having a stable sense of identity.
  2. Self-respect — Treating yourself in a healthy, loving, and kind way.
  3. Self-loyalty — Looking out for your own best interests and showing up for yourself.
  4. Self-responsibility — Taking accountability for your choices and your healing.
  5. Self-protection — Supporting yourself, protecting your energy, and caring for your emotional and physical needs.

When these pieces are in place, you don’t just survive but you thrive.

So, why does all of this matter?
It matters because your relationship to yourself is the blueprint for every other relationship you have.

It sets the tone for:

  • What behaviors you’ll tolerate from others
  • How you respond when someone crosses your boundaries
  • Whether or not you feel comfortable asking for your needs to be met
  • If you believe you deserve real, consistent, trustworthy love

When your internal world is calm, kind, and clear your external world starts to reflect that.

Now, here’s the final thought I want to leave you with today:
Every relationship outside of you , every challenge, trigger, or pattern is a reflection of your internal relationship to self.
And that means:
You don’t have to change the world to change your life.
You just have to come home to you.

Until then, be gentle with yourself.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You’re just remembering who you’ve always been.

Consider booking a 1:1 session
You can learn more at www.healingmyfeelings.com.

Remember: healing starts within.

When Hope Becomes an Addiction in Toxic Relationships

Hope is often seen as a virtue, a beacon of light that guides us through the darkest times. From childhood, we are taught that hope is always a good thing—that if we just believe hard enough, things will eventually get better. What happens when hope becomes an addiction—an anchor that keeps us tethered to toxic, abusive relationships? For many who struggle with codependency, people-pleasing, or deep-seated fears of abandonment, hope can morph into a trap, keeping them in cycles of pain and disappointment.

When Hope Becomes a Trap

In a healthy context, hope is about looking forward to positive possibilities, but in a toxic relationship, it can become a survival mechanism. Those entangled in abusive or one-sided relationships often cling to the hope that things will change, that the person who hurts them will one day realize their mistakes and treat them with the love and respect they deserve. This kind of hyper-hope overrides reality, making it difficult to walk away even when all evidence suggests that leaving is the only way to heal.

Hope, when misplaced, becomes a way to justify mistreatment. It convinces us to endure pain in anticipation of a better future that never arrives. This is how hope becomes addictive—feeding the cycle of waiting, tolerating, and staying stuck.

As a coach, I hear about this battle with hope from my clients every day. It is the biggest struggle they face—knowing deep down that their situation is harmful but feeling completely unable to detach because hope keeps whispering, maybe this time things will change. The weight of this hope is immense, making even the thought of leaving feel unbearable.

Codependency and the Illusion of Change

Codependency thrives on hope. Those who struggle with codependent tendencies often believe that if they just love harder, sacrifice more, or fix the other person, they can turn the relationship into what they dream it to be. They see potential instead of reality and invest their entire emotional world into the idea that things could improve. This belief is reinforced when abusers throw breadcrumbs—small moments of kindness, apologies, or fleeting promises of change—giving just enough to keep the hope alive.

This addiction to hope can be so consuming that leaving feels impossible. The idea of giving up on the dream, of accepting that change will not come, feels more unbearable than the abuse itself.

People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disappointing Others

People-pleasers struggle to walk away because they fear being seen as cruel, selfish, or heartless. They hold onto hope because letting go means accepting that they cannot make everyone happy. Many have been conditioned to believe that their worth is tied to how much they can endure for others, so they stay, hoping their patience and kindness will eventually be rewarded.

This hyper-hope paralyses them, making it difficult to prioritize their own well-being. The fear of hurting someone else—even someone who has repeatedly hurt them—keeps them locked in toxic dynamics far beyond their breaking point.

Abandonment Wounds and the Desperation for Connection

For those with deep abandonment wounds, the idea of cutting ties feels like self-inflicted pain. The longing to be chosen, loved, or validated fuels the addiction to hope. They would rather hold onto a broken relationship than risk feeling unworthy, alone, or forgotten.

This desperation makes them more susceptible to manipulation. Abusers sense this fear and exploit it, using false hope to maintain control. They know just when to apologize, when to offer a sliver of affection, and when to pull away—keeping their victims in a state of constant emotional hunger. This was my overwhelming reason for staying in abusive relationships and I was absolutely addicted to hope.

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope

Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:

  1. Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
  2. Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
  3. Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. But these feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
  4. Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

Hope, in its truest form, should not be a chain but a set of wings. When we free ourselves from the addiction of false hope, we open ourselves to the possibility of a life where love, respect, and happiness are not things we desperately wait for but things we create for ourselves.

It is time to break the cycle and choose you.

Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope

  1. What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?
  2. How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being? Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?
  3. If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me? What do these emotions tell me about my fears?
  4. Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behaviour because I hoped things would get better? What was the outcome?
  5. What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

You can begin your healing by claiming your Discovery Call

The Day My World Shattered — And How I Rose from It

There are moments in life that don’t just hurt—they split you wide open.

For me, that moment was the day I lost my mother to murder. No words can fully explain the way your soul leaves your body when you hear that kind of news. It’s the kind of trauma that steals your breath, unearths your faith, and makes time stop. In that instant, I wasn’t just a daughter mourning a mother—I was a woman faced with a devastating truth: life as I knew it would never be the same.

The grief wasn’t linear. It was tidal. Some days I was silent. Other days I screamed at the sky. And yet, within the darkest depth of that pain, I discovered something that would change the trajectory of my life forever: the choice to turn pain into purpose.

I could’ve folded. Many do. But I chose to rise—not just for myself, but for every person who’s ever been shattered by something that felt impossible to survive.

That loss led me to seek deeper meaning in every experience. It propelled me into holistic healing, trauma recovery, and spiritual counseling. It taught me how to walk with those grieving invisible wounds. And eventually, it allowed me to create Tranquil Balance—a life coaching practice that gives others the very thing I needed most: a safe place to be held, seen, and healed.

If you’ve ever faced a pain that made you question everything… I want you to know this: you’re not broken—you’re becoming. Your trauma doesn’t disqualify you. If anything, it gives you depth, discernment, and divine empathy.

I’m not here just because I studied psychology, attachment theory, or divinity. I’m here because I lived it. I clawed my way back from the edge. I stitched my life together with prayer, therapy, and community. And now, I offer that same hand to others who are still in the storm.

This pain? It didn’t destroy me. It revealed me.

And if you’re ready, I’ll help you find what your pain came to reveal too.

The Addiction of Hope: How It Keeps Us Stuck in Toxic Relationships

Hope is often seen as a virtue, a beacon of light that guides us through the darkest times. From childhood, we are taught that hope is always a good thing—that if we just believe hard enough, things will eventually get better. What happens when hope becomes an addiction—an anchor that keeps us tethered to toxic, abusive relationships? For many who struggle with codependency, people-pleasing, or deep-seated fears of abandonment, hope can morph into a trap, keeping them in cycles of pain and disappointment.

When Hope Becomes a Trap

In a healthy context, hope is about looking forward to positive possibilities, but in a toxic relationship, it can become a survival mechanism. Those entangled in abusive or one-sided relationships often cling to the hope that things will change, that the person who hurts them will one day realize their mistakes and treat them with the love and respect they deserve. This kind of hyper-hope overrides reality, making it difficult to walk away even when all evidence suggests that leaving is the only way to heal.

Hope, when misplaced, becomes a way to justify mistreatment. It convinces us to endure pain in anticipation of a better future that never arrives. This is how hope becomes addictive—feeding the cycle of waiting, tolerating, and staying stuck.

As a coach, I hear about this battle with hope from my clients every day. It is the biggest struggle they face—knowing deep down that their situation is harmful but feeling completely unable to detach because hope keeps whispering, maybe this time things will change. The weight of this hope is immense, making even the thought of leaving feel unbearable.

Codependency and the Illusion of Change

Codependency thrives on hope. Those who struggle with codependent tendencies often believe that if they just love harder, sacrifice more, or fix the other person, they can turn the relationship into what they dream it to be. They see potential instead of reality and invest their entire emotional world into the idea that things could improve. This belief is reinforced when abusers throw breadcrumbs—small moments of kindness, apologies, or fleeting promises of change—giving just enough to keep the hope alive.

This addiction to hope can be so consuming that leaving feels impossible. The idea of giving up on the dream, of accepting that change will not come, feels more unbearable than the abuse itself.

People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disappointing Others

People-pleasers struggle to walk away because they fear being seen as cruel, selfish, or heartless. They hold onto hope because letting go means accepting that they cannot make everyone happy. Many have been conditioned to believe that their worth is tied to how much they can endure for others, so they stay, hoping their patience and kindness will eventually be rewarded.

This hyper-hope paralysis them, making it difficult to prioritize their own well-being. The fear of hurting someone else—even someone who has repeatedly hurt them—keeps them locked in toxic dynamics far beyond their breaking point.

Abandonment Wounds and the Desperation for Connection

For those with deep abandonment wounds, the idea of cutting ties feels like self-inflicted pain. The longing to be chosen, loved, or validated fuels the addiction to hope. They would rather hold onto a broken relationship than risk feeling unworthy, alone, or forgotten.

This desperation makes them more susceptible to manipulation. Abusers sense this fear and exploit it, using false hope to maintain control. They know just when to apologize, when to offer a sliver of affection, and when to pull away—keeping their victims in a state of constant emotional hunger. This was my overwhelming reason for staying in abusive relationships and I was absolutely addicted to hope.

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope

Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:

  1. Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
  2. Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
  3. Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. But these feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
  4. Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

Hope, in its truest form, should not be a chain but a set of wings. When we free ourselves from the addiction of false hope, we open ourselves to the possibility of a life where love, respect, and happiness are not things we desperately wait for but things we create for ourselves.

It is time to break the cycle and choose you.

Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope

  1. What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?
  2. How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being? Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?
  3. If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me? What do these emotions tell me about my fears?
  4. Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behavior because I hoped things would get better? What was the outcome?
  5. What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

L-O-V-E

The love bomb and the discard. The devaluation cycle. You go from on top of the world to the gutter really quick. A little bit of bread crumbing in the middle to give you hope. Just a tiny taste of the love they used to feed you. Scraps really. And it almost seemed like they were coming back. The silent treatment. A whole lot of the silent treatment. Not being acknowledged at all. Maybe ghosting. What’s the real difference when all is said and done? First, being called a “soul mate”. A “twin flame”. They waited their whole entire life to find you. Then the stone walling. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The lies. You’ll never have to be alone again. That’s the big lie. It just sounds so appealing. Perfect. But somewhere deep down inside you knew that it was too good to be true. But it was beautiful. Magical. Everything you ever wanted. And you can’t fucking believe you fell for it, can you? Was it real? Was it fake? What about the feelings that you experienced? Was it all in your head? All in your heart? Either way, you feel betrayed now. And of course, they telegraphed the whole break up. Early on. They pretty much told you exactly what they were going to do. All the way down to how they were going to replace the supply. You could see it in their patterns. In the way that they talked about their exes. Their family. Possibly their boss. Sometimes even their friends. Maybe they outright told you. But you were so enamored that you simply refused to believe what they were showing you. Even as they spelled it out…. in crystal clear language. Red flags. Ignored. So many red flags. They certainly are hard to see through those rose colored glasses, aren’t they? And the whole experience feels dehumanizing, doesn’t it? Suffering in silence. Hoping they’d come back if you just suppressed every want. Eliminated every need. If you could just stop. Stop your anxiety. Stop the meltdowns. You didn’t used to be like this. Your nervous system is disregulated. You haven’t cried this much in years. And you try not to reach out, but of course you break down and you do, and you look crazy. Each message obviously distraught. You feel crazy too. And I guess in a way you are.That’s what they’d say, right? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. It was never gonna change. Face it, you knew they weren’t coming back. But you have no fucking self respect, do you? You quieted your own needs. Tried to be less you. Begged. Pleaded. Groveled. Just to be met with a wall of silence. You willingly gave away your dignity. And now you fucking hate people. Don’t know how you will ever trust again. Don’t worry. You won’t. At least not the way you trusted them. And that’s a good thing in the long run. Lessons can look an awful like like love if you don’t pay close attention to the red flags they’re wearing. And that’s what they were. A lesson. Wrapped in red flags. Not love. Just a really fucking hard lesson.