Author: Christina Nicole

Healing from Narcissistic Relationships, Codependency & Attachment Trauma

Heal from narcissistic abuse, codependency, and attachment trauma. Learn how to rebuild self-worth, set boundaries, and reclaim your life with Tranquil Balance.

Breaking Free:

Why We Stay in Toxic Relationships

If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do I keep ending up with narcissists?” or “Why do I lose myself in relationships?”—you’re not alone.

When I first began studying narcissistic abuse and codependency, I realized something powerful: these patterns don’t happen by accident. They’re often rooted in attachment trauma from childhood—homes where love was conditional, emotions were dismissed, or boundaries weren’t respected.

One client once shared, “I thought if I loved harder, they would finally love me back.” That belief kept her trapped in cycles of over-giving and heartbreak until she learned how to rebuild her self-worth. Stories like hers are not unique—they’re the reality for many survivors.

What Codependency Really Looks Like

Codependency is more than “being too nice.” It’s a survival strategy. Common signs include:

  • Difficulty saying “no”
  • Prioritizing others over yourself
  • Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
  • Anxiety when someone pulls away
  • Believing your worth depends on keeping others happy

At its core, codependency is self-abandonment—trading your needs, voice, and identity for a false sense of love or security.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Narcissistic abuse often begins with love bombing—lavish attention and promises of forever. Over time it shifts into:

  • Gaslighting: Making you question your own reality.
  • Devaluation: Withdrawing affection or respect.
  • Control: Criticism, manipulation, or isolation.

For a codependent, this feels like home—familiar, even if painful. That’s what makes it so difficult to leave.

How Attachment Styles Shape Your Relationships

Your attachment style is the invisible blueprint behind your relationship patterns:

  • Anxious Attachment → over-giving, fear of abandonment, needing constant reassurance.
  • Avoidant Attachment → fear of intimacy, emotional distancing, shutting down.
  • Disorganized Attachment → a mix of both—wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.

The good news? Attachment wounds can heal. Moving toward secure attachment means relationships that are mutual, safe, and fulfilling.

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5 Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing takes courage, but these five steps can help you rebuild from the inside out:

  1. Name the Pattern
    Awareness is power. Label gaslighting, love bombing, or people-pleasing for what they are so you can break denial.
  2. Rebuild Self-Worth
    Journaling, affirmations, and shadow work help you reconnect with your authentic self. Healing is remembering who you were before you were told you weren’t enough.
  3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
    Boundaries are not walls—they are self-respect. Saying “no” is an act of protection, not punishment.
  4. Heal Attachment Wounds
    Through inner child work, therapy, or coaching, you can release old stories that kept you stuck in toxic cycles.
  5. Find Safe Support
    Healing isn’t meant to be done alone. Accountability and compassion from a trusted coach, therapist, or support group accelerate recovery.

Why Healing Is Hard—And Worth It

Leaving a narcissistic or codependent relationship is only step one. The deeper work is unlearning the false beliefs that kept you there: “I’m not enough,” “I have to fix them,” “Love means sacrifice.”

Healing is worth it because you stop repeating cycles. You stop chasing approval. You stop mistaking crumbs for love.

Instead, you begin to:

  • Trust yourself again
  • Attract healthier relationships
  • Live from your authentic worth

One client put it best: “I thought leaving was the end of my story. But healing was the beginning of my freedom.”

Resources for Further Healing

If you’d like to explore more, here are helpful resources:

Share Your Story

Your journey matters. Have you experienced codependency or narcissistic abuse? What step in healing has been the hardest—or most rewarding—for you?

💬 Share your thoughts in the comments below. You never know who your story might inspire.

🌿 Start Your Healing Journey with Tranquil Balance

You don’t have to figure this out alone. At Tranquil Balance Life Coaching, I help survivors of narcissistic abuse and codependency:

  • Break free from toxic cycles
  • Heal attachment wounds and inner child pain
  • Rebuild self-worth and boundaries
  • Step into secure, authentic love

✨ Schedule your free consultation today at www.healingmyfeelings.com

Because surviving is not enough—you deserve to thrive.

Understanding Your Relationship with Yourself

I’m not sure if I’ve already posted this but I’ve been clearing out my writing folders and podcast scripts and didn’t want this goody to go to waste.


Today we’re diving into one of the most important, and yet most overlooked, relationships in our lives, the one we have with ourselves.

Let me say this upfront:
The relationship you have with yourself is the primary relationship in your life.
Everything else: your friendships, your romantic partnerships, your career, your finances is a mirror reflecting what’s going on in that inner world.

Now let’s begin this journey by asking a question:
What is your relationship to you?
Whether you’re conscious of it or not, whatever is unresolved or unhealed within you is going to show up in every single area of your life.

Let me give you an example:
If you carry the belief, “I’m not good enough,” chances are that belief will bleed into your career.
If you think, “I don’t deserve to receive,” don’t be surprised when your financial life feels blocked or inconsistent.
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts, but they become the lens you see life through.

So, to really reach our potential, we have to start by looking inward and identifying what’s hurt, what’s wounded, what’s been buried and then tend to it.

Heal it. Empower it. Reprogram it.

And when we do that?
We don’t just feel better.
We become better in our self-esteem, in how we show up in relationships, in how we manage money, in how we handle stress. Literally, everything shifts.

So why don’t we learn this earlier?
The truth is, we rarely get this modeled for us growing up.
We live in a system built around classical conditioning — punishment and reward — and it trains us to look outward for approval, instead of inward for connection.

As kids, most of us were born into unconditional love. Somewhere around age two, that love starts to feel… conditional.
We start hearing messages like:
“Be a good boy.” “Do better.” “That’s not enough.”
And even if it’s well-intentioned, our little brains start to internalize these patterns as:
“I’m only lovable when I behave.”
“Love is something I earn.”
“If I mess up, I lose connection.”

That’s the first trauma most of us carry: the shift from unconditional to conditional love.
And it sticks… shaping how we talk to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we expect to be treated by others.

So let me ask you:
What does your relationship to self look like today?

Do you show yourself compassion when you make a mistake?
Do you give yourself space to rest when you’re tired?
Do you listen to your own needs?
Do you keep your own boundaries?
Or are you still operating from outdated beliefs handed to you before you even knew who you were?

Here’s the truth:
Your self-relationship affects everything.
It sets your comfort zone, what you tolerate from others, what you believe you’re worthy of, and even what kinds of people you’re drawn to.
So if you find yourself constantly attracting people who hurt, abandon, or manipulate you
You’re not cursed.
You’re not broken.
You’re just unconsciously recreating the patterns you were taught.

Here’s the good news:
You can reprogram all of it.

Let’s talk ingredients.
There are five key components of a healthy relationship to self:

  1. Self-awareness — Truly knowing yourself and having a stable sense of identity.
  2. Self-respect — Treating yourself in a healthy, loving, and kind way.
  3. Self-loyalty — Looking out for your own best interests and showing up for yourself.
  4. Self-responsibility — Taking accountability for your choices and your healing.
  5. Self-protection — Supporting yourself, protecting your energy, and caring for your emotional and physical needs.

When these pieces are in place, you don’t just survive but you thrive.

So, why does all of this matter?
It matters because your relationship to yourself is the blueprint for every other relationship you have.

It sets the tone for:

  • What behaviors you’ll tolerate from others
  • How you respond when someone crosses your boundaries
  • Whether or not you feel comfortable asking for your needs to be met
  • If you believe you deserve real, consistent, trustworthy love

When your internal world is calm, kind, and clear your external world starts to reflect that.

Now, here’s the final thought I want to leave you with today:
Every relationship outside of you , every challenge, trigger, or pattern is a reflection of your internal relationship to self.
And that means:
You don’t have to change the world to change your life.
You just have to come home to you.

Until then, be gentle with yourself.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You’re just remembering who you’ve always been.

Consider booking a 1:1 session
You can learn more at www.healingmyfeelings.com.

Remember: healing starts within.

Healing Through Self-Discovery and Progress

Progress not perfection is something I don’t believe we remind ourselves of. We can easily look at a person and admire them, witness their strengths and weaknesses, and feel we can’t ever be like them.
I want to remind you, that’s not true! Your story is someone else’s survival guide.

The voice in our head can be the worst inner critic. We feel stuck, we feel unworthy and not good enough. We feel these things but have we ever stopped and asked ourselves why?

Where did this come from? We can say it’s from us, but it’s not. It’s a sign we’ve been conditioned through the opinions of others and it’s a lie. A limiting belief. Basically, our mind creates these beliefs, and they can be lies that we tell ourselves. From this belief comes all the negative self-talk thoughts and these thoughts still up emotions. We feel sadness, we’re unmotivated, and the action from this is NOTHING. We do nothing because our emotions are the catalyst to our actions.

What is we turned that voice in our head into our best friend? Wouldn’t that voice pump us up, make us feel seen and heard and give us the validation that we are wanting? Now, with that, what happens next? We start moving and shaking and we go out and dominate because we’re feeling good. We feel powerful and we can accomplish anything.

Life happens and sometimes we get the short end of the stick but what if we started to think that there are no mistakes and only lessons. We learn from that, we now know to not allow that to happen again and what happens if it does. Do we shame ourselves? No, we come up with another way to go about things because as long as we come up with different systems, we will have different outcomes. It’s only when we keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is when insanity takes place.
We can create crazy making situations, that doesn’t mean we’re crazy.

We can create crazy-making situations, but that doesn’t mean we’re crazy. It means we’re human—responding to familiar patterns with familiar reactions. But healing invites us to pause, reflect, and choose again.

The beauty of progress—not perfection—is that it honors your human-ness. It says, “I don’t have to get it right every time. I just have to get back up, learn, and take the next aligned step.” Perfection is a prison. Progress? That’s freedom. That’s breath. That’s forward motion.

And you deserve to move forward.

We often talk about self-sabotage as if it’s something broken in us. But what if it’s actually a brilliant—though outdated—protection strategy? Your fear of failure may actually be your inner child afraid of rejection. Your procrastination might be a trauma response disguised as laziness. Your overachieving might be your nervous system trying to earn love. These aren’t flaws. These are flags—asking for compassion, not condemnation.

So today, remind yourself: the goal isn’t to be flawless. The goal is to be real. To be accountable. To be curious about the parts of you that act out not because they want to ruin your life—but because they don’t know another way to be safe.

That’s where the work comes in. That’s where healing happens.

And when you heal, you don’t just set yourself free—you give others permission to do the same. You lead by example. You become the evidence that it’s possible to rise without pretending you never fell.

That’s what I teach. That’s what I live. And that’s what I invite you into.

If this resonated with you, you’re not alone. Join us in Anchored Connections, my safe and supportive WhatsApp community, or show up to our weekly Shadow Work Zoom Room, where we unpack, unlearn, and rebuild—together. Because you don’t have to do it alone, and you were never meant to.

Remember: the version of you that you’re becoming doesn’t need to be perfect.

She just needs you to keep going.

✨ Progress, not perfection. That’s the real glow-up.

—
💻 www.healingmyfeelings.com
📬 Info@healingmyfeelings.com
🧠 Blog: www.stullerAM.blog

Your story matters. Keep writing it. 🖤


Rain Check

That’s how I would describe my life. Rain Check

I sometimes feel I received less than I deserved but more than I had asked for. It’s a struggle.
I don’t know how others view themselves, but I like me. I love ME, to be honest, but it just takes one person to change the way you view yourself. To make you feel yourself worth is less than nothing. Why do we allow others to determine our worth? Is it truly lack boundaries? It is low self-esteem or co-dependency. I think it’s none of the above.

Deep down inside, I had this vision of what I expected my life to be like and it really did come out to a certain extent, but what I do remember when I was growing up, is the fact I never imagined a family or marriage. Honestly, I would not even play ‘House’ and have a fake wedding. It scared me. How? Why? I was never around a failed marriage. I never knew my parents together so how would I have known that it wasn’t right for us to not all be together? Yet, here I am, wanting someone to be in my life, I want someone to be there for me and those who have that, more than likely want to be alone.

Humans are a fickle breed.

Secrets Sway Sentiment

There was a time when I wrote freely from the heart—openly, vulnerably, and without fear. I didn’t second-guess myself or worry about how my words would be received. That was back when I felt safe.

But everything changed in February 2022.

That month marked a turning point. I began to realize that my words—my truth—could and would be used against me. That my thoughts would be twisted, and my feelings minimized. I wasn’t being heard; I was being watched, dissected, and ultimately gaslit. The more I tried to express myself, the more I felt erased.

When you’re in a toxic relationship—and I use the word toxic intentionally, even though narcissist has become the trend—it’s not just the relationship that becomes unhealthy. It’s your entire sense of self. You begin to question your instincts, silence your voice, and suppress your emotions, all in the name of keeping the peace.

Toxic people have a way of exploiting vulnerability. They take your openness as weakness and use your emotions as ammunition. When you confide in them, it doesn’t lead to understanding—it leads to control, dismissal, and manipulation. Eventually, you stop sharing altogether. Not because you don’t feel, but because feeling out loud becomes dangerous.

It’s heartbreaking, really.

If only the person who shattered my heart had received the memo: emotions are valid. Respect is not optional. I’ve never wanted to see anyone suffer—not even him. But sometimes I wish he could feel, just for a day, the depth of pain I carried. The weight of it could level cities.

Ironically, he did change. He moved on, grew into a better version of himself, and built a new life. And you know what? I’m genuinely happy for him. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness.

But here’s the paradox—I’m still unraveling.

I was the breadwinner. I was the caretaker. I held everyone and everything together. And now, after all the years and all the healing, I sometimes feel like I’m the one still falling apart. It’s almost laughable.

Especially considering what I do for a living: I’m a counselor, a life coach, a strategist. I wear many hats. 👒🎓🎩

Recently, I had a consultation with a potential client. They said they were looking for someone who “has it all together.” I asked them to elaborate—and what they described sounded more like someone who “fakes it till they make it” or someone with a need for control.

That’s not me.

I’m real. I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. I believe in guidance, not dictation. Mentorship, not control. Because ultimately, the responsibility for growth lies with the client. When someone asks to be told what to do, it’s often a sign they’re not ready to take ownership of their choices. It’s easier to blame someone else when things go wrong than to take accountability for our own role.

But that’s the core truth, isn’t it?
The only thing we can truly control is ourselves.

If you’re navigating the aftermath of a toxic relationship, or just trying to rebuild yourself in a world that often asks you to hide your messiness, know this: healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up—raw, real, and ready to grow. If you’re looking for support from someone who understands both the science and the soul of transformation, I’m here. Not to tell you what to do, but to walk alongside you as you figure out what you truly need.

When you’re ready to reclaim your voice and your peace, let’s talk.
Because you deserve to feel safe in your own story again.

Healing from Toxic Relationships: Finding True Love Again

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one thing—learning to trust again and finding healthy, lasting love is another. If you’ve ever wondered, “Will I ever find real love after everything I’ve been through?”—you’re not alone.

The truth is, attracting the love you deserve isn’t about luck, a perfect dating strategy, or even finding the “right” person. It starts with you.

In this guide, we’ll walk through the key shifts you need to make to break free from toxic relationship patterns, build unshakable confidence, and open yourself up to the kind of love that feels safe, mutual, and fulfilling.

Why Finding Love After a Toxic Relationship Feels So Hard

If you’re struggling to move forward after a toxic relationship, you’re not imagining things. Emotional wounds don’t just disappear when the relationship ends—they often leave behind deep-rooted fears, self-doubt, and subconscious patterns that make it hard to trust again.

Here’s why so many successful, intelligent women find themselves stuck when it comes to love:

1. You’re Attracted to What Feels Familiar

Even if your last relationship was painful, it felt familiar—and the brain is wired to seek what it knows. This is why many women unknowingly repeat toxic relationship patterns, despite wanting something different.

2. You Have Hidden Beliefs About Love and Worth

If deep down you believe love has to be earned, or that you have to prove your worth to be loved, you’ll keep attracting partners who reinforce those beliefs—no matter how much you consciously want something different.

3. Fear of Getting Hurt Again Holds You Back

If you’ve been betrayed, manipulated, or emotionally drained in the past, it’s natural to put up walls to protect yourself. The problem? Those same walls can keep out the love and connection you do want.

But here’s the good news: You can rewire these patterns and create a new reality in love. Let’s talk about how.

Step 1: Heal the Patterns That Keep You Stuck

Attracting real love starts with identifying and breaking free from subconscious patterns that no longer serve you.

Recognize Your Relationship Blueprint

Your early experiences with love—whether from childhood or past relationships—shape your subconscious beliefs about what love should feel like. Ask yourself:
✔️ What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?
✔️ Do I feel like I have to prove my worth to be loved?
✔️ Have I ignored red flags in the past just to feel wanted?

Bringing these patterns into awareness is the first step to shifting them.

Rewire Limiting Beliefs

If you’ve spent years in toxic relationships, your subconscious may have picked up false narratives like:

  • “I attract the wrong people.”
  • “Love means sacrifice.”
  • “I’m too much / not enough.”

These beliefs keep you stuck in old cycles—but they can be reprogrammed.

One powerful way to shift these beliefs is through subconscious work.

Step 2: Build Unshakable Confidence in Love

Attracting a healthy partner starts with becoming the kind of woman who naturally attracts respect, love, and care.

1. Set Higher Standards Without Fear

Many women stay in toxic relationships because they’re afraid they won’t find better. The key? Knowing your worth and refusing to settle.

Ask yourself:

  • What are my non-negotiables in a relationship?
  • Am I willing to walk away from anything less?

2. Shift From “I Need Someone” to “I Choose Someone”

The healthiest relationships happen when you don’t need someone to complete you—you’re already whole, and a relationship is just a bonus.

Instead of focusing on “finding” someone, focus on:
✔️ Creating a life you love.
✔️ Strengthening friendships and support systems.
✔️ Enjoying your own company.

Step 3: Open Yourself Up to Healthy Love

Once you’ve done the inner work, it’s time to step into the next phase of your love life—one where you attract a partner who respects, values, and cherishes you.

1. Date With Clarity and Confidence

When you know your worth, you stop wasting time on the wrong people. Instead of dating from a place of fear or loneliness, you’ll naturally attract and choose people who align with the love you deserve.

💡 Pro Tip: Don’t just ask, “Do they like me?” Instead, ask: “Do I like the way I feel around them?”

2. Trust Your Intuition, Not Just Chemistry

Attraction alone isn’t enough. Pay attention to:
✔️ How does this person treat me over time?
✔️ Do they respect my boundaries?
✔️ Do I feel safe being my true self around them?

Chemistry without emotional safety leads to the same toxic cycles—so choose wisely.

Conclusion: You Are Meant for Real Love

Finding love after a toxic relationship isn’t just possible—it’s inevitable when you commit to healing, raising your standards, and choosing yourself first.

You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to repeat the past. The love you want is out there—and it starts with the love you give yourself.

Positive Traits Point Out Our Purpose

“Own your own” by Words as Pictures/ CC0 1.0

You have a purpose in life that you may not, as yet, have realized!
Positive traits of your personality may be the key to unlocking the mystery of your own personal
lifestyle and destiny in this lifetime.

  • If nothing negative existed to hold you back, the strong points would automatically become even stronger, as your mind would be more concentrated on good.
  • If you also reinforced your positive characteristics with the practice of Metaphysical Science, they would become stronger still, and your ability to achieve would soar.
  • Your positive traits are the key to your destiny. They point out what nature has best equipped you to do in this life.
  • You must realize at what you excel, around which you can adjust and build an appropriate lifestyle.

    Let the present be the only reality upon which you are building your future.


“ positivity “/ CC0 1.0

When Hope Becomes an Addiction in Toxic Relationships

Hope is often seen as a virtue, a beacon of light that guides us through the darkest times. From childhood, we are taught that hope is always a good thing—that if we just believe hard enough, things will eventually get better. What happens when hope becomes an addiction—an anchor that keeps us tethered to toxic, abusive relationships? For many who struggle with codependency, people-pleasing, or deep-seated fears of abandonment, hope can morph into a trap, keeping them in cycles of pain and disappointment.

When Hope Becomes a Trap

In a healthy context, hope is about looking forward to positive possibilities, but in a toxic relationship, it can become a survival mechanism. Those entangled in abusive or one-sided relationships often cling to the hope that things will change, that the person who hurts them will one day realize their mistakes and treat them with the love and respect they deserve. This kind of hyper-hope overrides reality, making it difficult to walk away even when all evidence suggests that leaving is the only way to heal.

Hope, when misplaced, becomes a way to justify mistreatment. It convinces us to endure pain in anticipation of a better future that never arrives. This is how hope becomes addictive—feeding the cycle of waiting, tolerating, and staying stuck.

As a coach, I hear about this battle with hope from my clients every day. It is the biggest struggle they face—knowing deep down that their situation is harmful but feeling completely unable to detach because hope keeps whispering, maybe this time things will change. The weight of this hope is immense, making even the thought of leaving feel unbearable.

Codependency and the Illusion of Change

Codependency thrives on hope. Those who struggle with codependent tendencies often believe that if they just love harder, sacrifice more, or fix the other person, they can turn the relationship into what they dream it to be. They see potential instead of reality and invest their entire emotional world into the idea that things could improve. This belief is reinforced when abusers throw breadcrumbs—small moments of kindness, apologies, or fleeting promises of change—giving just enough to keep the hope alive.

This addiction to hope can be so consuming that leaving feels impossible. The idea of giving up on the dream, of accepting that change will not come, feels more unbearable than the abuse itself.

People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disappointing Others

People-pleasers struggle to walk away because they fear being seen as cruel, selfish, or heartless. They hold onto hope because letting go means accepting that they cannot make everyone happy. Many have been conditioned to believe that their worth is tied to how much they can endure for others, so they stay, hoping their patience and kindness will eventually be rewarded.

This hyper-hope paralyses them, making it difficult to prioritize their own well-being. The fear of hurting someone else—even someone who has repeatedly hurt them—keeps them locked in toxic dynamics far beyond their breaking point.

Abandonment Wounds and the Desperation for Connection

For those with deep abandonment wounds, the idea of cutting ties feels like self-inflicted pain. The longing to be chosen, loved, or validated fuels the addiction to hope. They would rather hold onto a broken relationship than risk feeling unworthy, alone, or forgotten.

This desperation makes them more susceptible to manipulation. Abusers sense this fear and exploit it, using false hope to maintain control. They know just when to apologize, when to offer a sliver of affection, and when to pull away—keeping their victims in a state of constant emotional hunger. This was my overwhelming reason for staying in abusive relationships and I was absolutely addicted to hope.

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope

Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:

  1. Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
  2. Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
  3. Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. But these feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
  4. Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

Hope, in its truest form, should not be a chain but a set of wings. When we free ourselves from the addiction of false hope, we open ourselves to the possibility of a life where love, respect, and happiness are not things we desperately wait for but things we create for ourselves.

It is time to break the cycle and choose you.

Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope

  1. What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?
  2. How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being? Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?
  3. If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me? What do these emotions tell me about my fears?
  4. Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behaviour because I hoped things would get better? What was the outcome?
  5. What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

You can begin your healing by claiming your Discovery Call

Breaking the Cycle – Why Love Addiction Isn’t Love

When people hear the term “love addiction,” the immediate reaction is often confusion or even denial. After all, isn’t love supposed to feel all-consuming?

Isn’t that rush part of the magic? The problem is, when that rush is rooted in trauma, chaos, or the desperate need for validation, it’s not love — it’s addiction.

And it’s far more common than we admit.

As a trauma-informed life coach and someone who has survived the darkest kinds of betrayal, I’ve come to learn this the hard way. Love addiction is the attachment to fantasy over reality, the addiction to potential over presence, and the chase for emotional highs over mutual, regulated connection. It mimics the cycles of substance addiction — withdrawal, relapse, euphoric highs, unbearable lows.

The Root of the Pattern

Love addiction doesn’t start in adulthood. It begins in childhood. When affection was inconsistent, conditional, or absent, our nervous systems learned that “love” was earned through hyper-vigilance, people-pleasing, or becoming the emotional caretaker.

We became addicted to chasing love that mirrored the pain we grew up with because our nervous systems mistook it for home.

This isn’t weakness. It’s programming.

The chemical cocktail our brain produces when we’re caught in an addictive love cycle is similar to those produced in substance abuse. Dopamine spikes from intermittent reinforcement.

Oxytocin floods during false intimacy. Cortisol rises during the inevitable abandonment or conflict.

And yet, we go back. Again and again.

Not because we’re stupid. But because we’re wired.

Love Addiction vs Real Love

Real love is not a high. It’s not anxiety. It’s not obsessively checking your phone, sacrificing your boundaries, or falling into despair when someone pulls away.

Real love feels like security. Like calm. Like peace.

So many of us mistake our own people-pleasing tendencies as love. We think:

If I love harder, they’ll stay.

If I shrink myself, they’ll choose me.

If I forgive everything, that must mean I’m strong.


That’s not love. That’s self-abandonment.

And every time we betray our truth to earn someone else’s attention, we reinforce a lie: that we must suffer to be worthy.

Accountability as Empowerment

There’s a moment in the healing process that requires brutal honesty. Not blame. Not shame. But radical accountability.

Ask yourself:

What part of me is addicted to chaos?

What feelings do I crave because they distract me from feeling my core wounds?

What relationships do I chase that keep me from confronting myself?


These are not easy questions. But they’re necessary if you want to break the cycle.

How to Start Healing

1. Acknowledge the Pattern – Call it what it is. Not love. Addiction.


2. Get Support – Coaching, therapy, and group spaces like Anchored Connections can help regulate and rewire your nervous system.


3. Reparent Your Inner Child – Speak to yourself with compassion. Become the source of the stability you’ve always longed for.


4. Set Boundaries – The ones who leave when you do this are showing you who was feeding your addiction, not your heart.



You’re not needy. You’re rewiring. And today, you start.




Ready to face your mirror? book a private session at http://www.healingmyfeelings.com.