Have you ever found yourself putting someone else’s needs above your own, to the point where you lose sight of who you really are? Or maybe you feel like you’re constantly giving, but somehow not getting the support or love you deserve in return? If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the grip of codependency.
Codependency isn’t just about being overly attached to someone—it’s about losing your sense of self in the process of trying to please, care for, or fix others. Recognizing codependency is the first step toward reclaiming your life and rediscovering your own needs, boundaries, and desires.
What is Codependency? At its core, codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person sacrifices their own well-being to meet the needs of another. It often happens in relationships where one person may struggle with addiction, emotional turmoil, or narcissism, and the other becomes overly responsible for their partner’s emotions and actions.
If you’re codependent, you may:
Feel like you need to “save” others from their problems
Struggle with setting boundaries
Often put your own needs on the backburner for fear of upsetting others
Feel anxious or guilty when you try to focus on your own well-being
But here’s the thing: breaking free from codependency isn’t about abandoning the people you care about—it’s about finding a balance that allows you to care for yourself too.
How to Start the Healing Process
Acknowledge the Pattern The first step is often the hardest: recognizing that you might be in a codependent dynamic. This can be challenging because it often feels like you’re just being loving or helpful. Ask yourself: Am I losing myself in this relationship? Am I feeling drained or neglected? These questions can help you gain clarity.
Set Healthy Boundaries Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about protecting your energy and well-being. Start small—whether it’s saying “no” when you need to or setting limits on how much you give emotionally. Boundaries are an essential part of building a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Reconnect with Yourself Remember who you are outside of your relationships. Spend time doing things that nurture you—whether it’s a hobby you’ve neglected, a self-care routine, or just some quiet time alone. When you prioritize your own needs, you can show up as a stronger, more grounded version of yourself.
Seek Support You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Whether through therapy, support groups, or a life coach, there are people who can help you process the emotions tied to codependency. The more support you have, the more empowered you’ll feel to make lasting changes.
Practice Self-Compassion Healing takes time, and you may face setbacks along the way. Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge the progress you’ve made and remind yourself that you’re worthy of love and respect—just as you are.
Codependency doesn’t have to define your relationships. By setting boundaries, reconnecting with yourself, and seeking support, you can break free from the cycle and create healthier, more fulfilling connections. Remember, you deserve love, care, and attention—not just from others, but from yourself too.
Are you ready to take the first step toward healing and reclaiming your life? It’s never too late to start.
Parenting is a complex journey, but at its core, it should be about nurturing a child, not using them as an emotional crutch. When a parent cannot get their needs met by those around them and instead turns to their child to fulfill emotional voids, the results can be damaging. This dynamic, often rooted in enmeshment, puts the child in an unfair and unhealthy position that can lead to lasting resentment, emotional exhaustion, and an overwhelming desire for independence.
What Is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment occurs when a parent’s emotional boundaries blur, creating an unhealthy level of closeness and dependency between them and their child. This is not the same as a strong bond or loving relationship—it’s when a parent expects their child to meet emotional needs they should be addressing with peers, partners, or professionals.
For example, if a mother is emotionally immature and struggles to navigate adult relationships, she might turn to her son to provide the support, validation, and stability she craves. While it may not be intentional, the son is forced into a role he didn’t sign up for: caretaker, confidant, or even pseudo-partner.
The Burden on the Child
Children need the freedom to grow, explore, and develop their own identity. When they are tasked with managing a parent’s emotional needs, they are robbed of that freedom. The consequences are often profound:
Emotional Burnout: Constantly being responsible for someone else’s emotional stability is exhausting, especially for a child or teenager.
Stunted Personal Growth: The child may struggle to form their own identity or establish healthy boundaries in relationships.
Resentment and Distance: Feeling trapped in this dynamic often leads to anger and resentment. In many cases, the child may count down the days until they can leave home to escape the unhealthy environment.
Long-Term Impact: The effects of enmeshment can ripple into adulthood, leading to difficulty with boundaries, guilt, or choosing similarly unhealthy relationships.
Why the Parent’s Emotional Immaturity Matters
When a parent doesn’t have the tools to regulate their emotions or cultivate healthy adult relationships, they place an unfair burden on their child. Emotional immaturity often looks like:
An inability to handle conflict or rejection.
A tendency to make the child feel responsible for their happiness.
Using guilt, manipulation, or over-dependence to maintain control.
While the parent may feel justified in seeking comfort from their child, the reality is that this dynamic damages the very bond they’re trying to preserve. It pushes the child away, leaving them resentful and eager to distance themselves the moment they’re able to, when turning eighteen or wanting to live with a grandparent to break away.
How to Break the Cycle
For parents caught in this cycle, it’s never too late to change. The first step is self-awareness and recognizing the harm being caused. Here’s how to start:
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can provide tools for emotional regulation, healthy boundary-setting, and personal growth.
Build Adult Support Systems: Lean on friends, family, or support groups—not your child—for emotional support.
Encourage Independence: Allow your child to be their own person without imposing your emotional needs onto them.
Apologize and Rebuild Trust: If your child has already expressed frustration or pulled away, a sincere apology and a commitment to change can go a long way in healing the relationship.
For the Child: Reclaiming Your Independence
If you’ve grown up in an enmeshed dynamic, it’s important to prioritize your well-being. Seek support from a trusted adult, counselor, or therapist to process your emotions and learn to set healthy boundaries. Remember, your parent’s happiness is not your responsibility; They need to accept accountability for their own emotions.
Final Thoughts/Unsolicited Advice
A child should never have to carry the emotional weight of their parent’s unmet needs. The role of a parent is to support and guide, not to rely on their child as a surrogate partner or emotional anchor due to their own insecurities and fears of abandonment. Breaking free from enmeshment takes courage and work, but it’s a step toward healthier relationships and a brighter future—for both the parent and the child.
Let’s give children the freedom they deserve to thrive, love, and live unburdened by adult responsibilities they were never meant to bear.
The love bomb and the discard. The devaluation cycle. You go from on top of the world to the gutter really quick. A little bit of bread crumbing in the middle to give you hope. Just a tiny taste of the love they used to feed you. Scraps really. And it almost seemed like they were coming back. The silent treatment. A whole lot of the silent treatment. Not being acknowledged at all. Maybe ghosting. What’s the real difference when all is said and done? First, being called a “soul mate”. A “twin flame”. They waited their whole entire life to find you. Then the stone walling. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The lies. You’ll never have to be alone again. That’s the big lie. It just sounds so appealing. Perfect. But somewhere deep down inside you knew that it was too good to be true. But it was beautiful. Magical. Everything you ever wanted. And you can’t fucking believe you fell for it, can you? Was it real? Was it fake? What about the feelings that you experienced? Was it all in your head? All in your heart? Either way, you feel betrayed now. And of course, they telegraphed the whole break up. Early on. They pretty much told you exactly what they were going to do. All the way down to how they were going to replace the supply. You could see it in their patterns. In the way that they talked about their exes. Their family. Possibly their boss. Sometimes even their friends. Maybe they outright told you. But you were so enamored that you simply refused to believe what they were showing you. Even as they spelled it out…. in crystal clear language. Red flags. Ignored. So many redflags. They certainly are hard to see through those rose-colored glasses, aren’t they? And the whole experience feels dehumanizing, doesn’t it? Suffering in silence. Hoping they’d come back if you just suppressed every want. Eliminated every need. If you could just stop. Stop your anxiety. Stop the meltdowns. You didn’t used to be like this. Your nervous system is disregulated. You haven’t cried this much in years. And you try not to reach out, but of course you break down and you do, and you look crazy. Each message obviously distraught. You feel crazy too. And I guess in a way you are. That’s what they’d say, right? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. It was never going to change. Face it, you knew they weren’t coming back. But you have no fucking self-respect, do you? You quieted your own needs. Tried to be less YOU. Begged. Pleaded. Groveled. Just to be met with a wall of silence. You willingly gave away your dignity. And now you fucking hate people. Don’t know how you will ever trust again? Don’t worry. You won’t. At least not the way you trusted them. And that’s a good thing in the long run. Lessons can look an awful like love if you don’t pay close attention to the red flags . And that’s what they were. A lesson. Wrapped in red flags. Not love. Just a really fucking hard lesson.
Jealousy. Just the word can send a shiver down the spine, conjuring memories of tense moments and strained relationships. But is jealousy a fundamental part of the human condition, or is it an emotional artifact we can outgrow? Let’s explore this intricate emotion from various perspectives to uncover its roots and examine whether it’s an inescapable part of being human.
The Evolutionary Angle: Survival of the Fittest
From an evolutionary standpoint, jealousy is often seen as a survival mechanism. In the ancestral environment, resources such as food, territory, and mates were scarce. Jealousy could have spurred early humans to protect their partnerships and resources, ensuring their genes were passed down.
This primal drive to guard what we perceive as ours can be observed even in children, who often exhibit jealousy before they can even articulate their feelings.
Psychological Perspectives: Attachment and Insecurity
From a psychological lens, jealousy is often linked to attachment styles developed in early childhood. Securely attached individuals might experience jealousy less frequently or intensely, as they generally have a healthier sense of self and trust in relationships. Conversely, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles might struggle more with jealousy, reflecting deeper insecurities and fears of abandonment. This suggests that while jealousy can be pervasive, its intensity and frequency can be mitigated through self-awareness and emotional growth.
Cultural Influences: Nurture Over Nature?
Culture plays a significant role in how jealousy is perceived and expressed. In some societies, jealousy is seen as a natural and even necessary component of love and commitment. In others, it’s viewed as a destructive force to be controlled or eradicated.
This cultural variance suggests that while the potential for jealousy exists universally, its manifestation and impact can be shaped by societal norms and values.
The Relationship Context: Boundaries and Communication
In romantic relationships, jealousy can act as both a warning signal and a catalyst for growth. It can indicate underlying issues such as unmet needs, boundary violations, or lack of trust. When addressed constructively, it can lead to deeper communication and stronger bonds. However, unchecked jealousy can spiral into controlling behavior and emotional abuse, highlighting the need for healthy communication and mutual respect.
The Philosophical and Ethical Dimension: Can We Transcend Jealousy?
Philosophically, the question arises: can humans transcend jealousy? Some argue that through mindfulness and emotional intelligence, individuals can recognize jealousy without being controlled by it. This aligns with many spiritual traditions that emphasize detachment and self-awareness as paths to inner peace. By understanding the root causes of our jealousy, we can reframe it as a signal for personal growth rather than a destructive force.
An Inextricable Part of Humanity or a Challenge to Overcome?
So, is jealousy an intrinsic part of the human condition? The answer is both yes and no. Yes, because it stems from deep evolutionary roots and can be seen across cultures and ages. No, because its expression and impact are profoundly influenced by individual psychology, cultural context, and personal development.
Ultimately, jealousy is a complex emotion that reflects our deepest fears and desires. By acknowledging its presence and exploring its origins, we can learn to manage it more effectively, transforming it from a source of pain into an opportunity for growth. In this way, jealousy doesn’t have to define us—it can simply be one of the many facets of our rich emotional landscape.
In our journey towards emotional well-being, recognizing and understanding jealousy is crucial. By fostering self-awareness and practicing healthy communication, we can navigate this challenging emotion with grace and resilience, paving the way for more fulfilling and harmonious relationships.
If you’re navigating the turbulent waters of jealousy and need support, professional life coaching can offer guidance and strategies for overcoming these challenges.
At Tranquil Balance Life Coaching, we specialize in helping individuals and couples develop healthier relationships and stronger emotional resilience.
Visit healingmyfeelings.com to learn more and book a session. Together, we can turn jealousy into a stepping stone towards personal growth and deeper connections.
Are you completely head over heels for someone you’ve only just met? Do you find yourself daydreaming about your future together? Do you have situationship?
You might think it’s love – but it could be limerence.
Learning the signs of limerence, understanding the downsides, and learning how to overcome it can be a helpful tool for personal growth, the recovery process, and becoming a more securely attached individual.
With that in mind, here’s your guide to how to permanently beat limerence.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is extreme infatuation: a state of being obsessed with another person with an intense desire to reciprocate feelings.
The powerful feelings of limerence are met in a person’s fantasy, as their reality is not meeting their emotional needs.
The difference between true or romantic love and limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s.
She summarized that those who had encountered trauma in childhood were more likely to experience limerent thoughts and feelings later in life.
Limerence comes from early childhood, especially if the person has a tough, negative, and unsupportive upbringing. Unmet needs of connection, emotional support, and validation causes the person to develop patterns where they fear abandonment and intimacy.
This leads to patterns where the person projects their insecurities and unmet needs onto potential love interests, as there is a belief that the person will fulfill those needs and solve all problems. This unconscious response leads to limerence.
In terms of attachment styles, it’s more common with insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious attached people
The issue is that sometimes people can’t tell if they’re in love or limerance.
Being able to tell the difference between true love and limerence is essential.
Here are six signs that you might be experiencing the latter, not the former:
Obsessive thinking of the person.
A common trait for limerent obsession. This doesn’t just include thinking about them all day but also making life choices around their needs or wants (such as choosing their favorite music or what to wear around them).
Extreme longing.
You might experience a deep sense of sadness and frustration that you can’t be with the person, whether that’s a trusted friend, colleague, or another partner. It gets to the point that you might feel actual pain as you’re in an intense emotional state.
Extreme fear of rejection or disconnection from this person.
The underlying feeling is that you fear being rejected by this person if you do something wrong around them. You wouldn’t be doing that if you’re in love with someone as they would accept mistakes from you.
Fantazing the reciprocation.
Do you daydream about your future, marriage, children, holidays, and all these fantasies of where this relationship can go – despite not forming a proper relationship with this person? This is when you fantasize about the emotional reciprocation, and it can lead to overwhelming desire and strong emotions.
Putting the person on a pedestal.
This is when you believe the person is untouchable and can do no wrong. You crave their affection and intimacy. But it’s not them that’s amazing; it’s a reflection of your lack of self-belief and confidence.
Obsessive behaviors.
Over time, you begin to take more “controlling” obsessive actions, including always calling, clinging to them, and trying to control the person and your life. In some cases, this relates to compulsive disorders, such as OCD.
What are the Downsides of Limerence?
The issue with limerence is that there are two sides to the coin: feeling euphoria and excitement around forming this fantasy relationship can be great. The other side is that it can destabilize relationships with ourselves and our lives.
Here’s how limerence can negatively impact you:
Self-abandonment. When you constantly think about the other person, you’re not present in your own life. Due to a lack of self-awareness, you tend to put yourself second, lowering your self-worth and self-love. This can lead to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and hopelessness.
Obsessiveness. You become so obsessed that it destabilizes your social life, social groups, family relationships, marriage (through infidelity or affairs thanks to feeling “romantic love”), and career.
They don’t work out long-term. This intense feeling makes you become obsessive and controlling, so you end up pushing the other person away.
Destructive actions follow. As mentioned above, your obsessive behaviors make you do things you don’t normally do, causing issues within the relationship – and leading to it not working out. Which, in turn, impacts your emotional well-being and mental health.
How to Beat Limerence
Address and meet your subconscious needs.
When you’re in a limerent state, it’s because your emotional needs are not being met in your reality. The person you’ve obsessing over is highlighting traits that you want for yourself. Ultimately, they can’t give it to you.
You have to identify those needs yourself and work to build healthy habits to meet them.
These strategies include setting up a time to check your feelings and needs, encouraging and complimenting yourself more often, and reassuring yourself you can do it. This is the kind of support that Tranquil Balance offers as part of our All-Access Pass.
Express our repressed traits.
You must acknowledge and practice the repressed traits you love from the person. It’s an essential part of the healing process.
For example, suppose the other person is assertive and strong. In that case, you now have to express and practice those traits in a consistent manner (as mentioned in the advice above) to help get your needs met.
Developing a subconscious comfort zone.
You have to find a comfort zone in how you treat your feelings and needs.
This will take to develop. You’ll have to find your own mental zone where you can express your needs comfortably to yourself and others.
Developing a secure attachment to yourself will help you find this comfort zone naturally.
Setting boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries when limerence arises with a person is extremely useful. You have to put a pause and think about your intrusive thoughts and actions when around this person.
Set up physical boundaries (so you don’t bump into them), thought boundaries (think alternative thoughts on the person), and emotional boundaries (don’t attach your feelings towards them).
The more often you do this, the stronger your boundaries will become, helping you focus on yourself, not them.
Challenge the equilibrium.
When you have limerence, you only see the good in that person. But you really have to consider the traits you were attached to and the downsides to those traits; it’s about gaining valuable insights into the real individual. It’s almost like grieving the situationship.
Find out the person’s flaws to see who the person is. An example could be financial instability. Do they spend money without considering your future? That might clash with your beliefs and approach to finances, challenging your positive perception of them.
Then, look at the benefits of letting this person go. See how better your life could be without them being around you. It might feel painful at first, but as time passes, you’ll focus on how great your life could be without them.
Take the First Steps to Beating Limerence
Remember – beating limerence might seem challenging, but it can be done. You just need the support, guidance, and tools to help you get there.
If you struggle with love addiction, you’re familiar with the feeling of intense interest in someone who shows little interest in you. You may skip over the getting-to-know-you phase and propel yourself into a future of undying devotion.
However, this future exists only in your mind because the object of your desire has shown no sign they feel the same way. These maladaptive and self-sabotaging patterns echo a childhood in which you had to convince yourself your parents cared and would do anything to protect you, even when they demonstrated no such intention.
Here are five signs you suffer from love addiction; see how many resonate with you.
You are drawn to unavailable people.
These partners might have narcissistic qualities, avoid intimacy, or simply show no interest in a deeper relationship with you. You create a fantasy in your mind because it’s easier than facing the reality that this person is not interested in a real relationship.
You find nice people boring.
You don’t feel that chemical attraction to people who treat you well. You find a way to sabotage any chance of a relationship with them because they are not creating the chaos you crave.
This is why we must not mistake that instant chemistry for a green light. In fact, it may be the red flag saying you’re about to enter a danger zone, so beware.
You think if you try hard enough, you’ll win love.
With love addiction, red flags are ignored or excused. You think with enough love and understanding you’ll coax this person into a relationship, even when there is a pattern of evading commitment.
You approach relationships with the same striving you did with your parents or caregivers—striving that never got your needs met and which will have the same result today.
You believe a relationship will rescue you.
Even if someone all but ignores you, you believe this person is the one who can solve all your problems. You’re convinced he or she will make your life perfect if only you can uncover the “real” person inside.
You tell yourself that once that happens, this person will understand you were meant for each other, and you can finally feel complete. If you only need less and give more, he or she will become your savior and fill the empty space inside.
You re-create past trauma.
With love addiction, you’re attracted to partners who make you feel the same way your parents or caregivers did. You reenact this need to win their love by becoming clingy and frantic for their attention.
This activates the person’s fear of intimacy, and they pull away, which only makes you work harder to win their affection. The feeling of longing for someone who appears distant or as though he cares much less about you is compelling because it’s familiar.
It triggers the same false promise it did with your mom or dad (or another caregiver): if I only try hard enough, this person will love me; if I can only be perfect, this person will finally see I’m worthwhile.
How to Recover from Love Addiction:
Take Time Alone for Self-Care
Love addiction often means going from one relationship to another without taking a break to focus on your own needs or process what happened. Consider some time off from dating to date yourself for a while.
Just as we need self-connection before we can connect with others, self-fulfillment comes from within, rather than as a product of what others give us.
See Dating as Information-Gathering
If you struggle with love addiction, you may treat dating as a one-sided test where you prove your worthiness as a romantic partner. Begin to see dating instead as an information-gathering exercise.
Listen to what the other person is telling you without sugar-coating it or telling yourself it means something different. In addition, pay attention to their actions which speak more loudly than words.
Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping our relationships and interactions with others.
They are deeply rooted in our early experiences with caregivers and continue to influence our behavior and emotions throughout our lives. Understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into our own behaviors and the dynamics of our relationships.
However, it’s equally important to recognize that attachment styles are not set in stone and can be influenced by various factors.
The Significance of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence how we relate to others in adulthood. There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style is characterized by different beliefs about the self and others, as well as distinct patterns of behavior in relationships.
Understanding one’s attachment style can provide valuable insights into how they approach intimacy, express emotions, and handle conflict in relationships. For instance, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have positive views of themselves and others, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships. On the other hand, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with intimacy, trust, and emotional regulation, impacting their relationships in various ways.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is key to understanding one’s attachment style and its impact on their relationships. By recognizing their attachment patterns, individuals can gain a better understanding of their emotional needs, triggers, and relational behaviors. This self-awareness can empower individuals to make conscious choices in their relationships, seek support when needed, and work towards developing more secure and fulfilling connections with others.
Understanding and Flexibility
While recognizing and understanding one’s attachment style is valuable, it’s essential to approach this knowledge with empathy and flexibility. Attachment styles are not fixed or deterministic; they can evolve over time and be influenced by new experiences, personal growth, and therapeutic interventions. Moreover, individuals may exhibit different attachment styles in different relationships or contexts, highlighting the dynamic nature of attachment.
Approaching attachment styles with understanding also involves recognizing that people come from diverse backgrounds and have unique attachment experiences. This understanding can foster empathy and compassion in relationships, as individuals acknowledge that others’ behaviors and emotional responses are shaped by their own attachment histories.
Seeking Support and Growth
For those facing challenges related to their attachment styles, seeking support from mental health professionals can be incredibly beneficial. Therapists and counselors can help individuals explore their attachment patterns, work through past relational wounds, and develop healthier ways of relating to others. Additionally, engaging in practices that promote emotional regulation, communication skills, and self-care can contribute to personal growth and more secure attachments.
In conclusion, understanding attachment styles and their influence on relationships is undeniably important. It provides valuable insights into our relational patterns and emotional needs, paving the way for self-awareness and informed choices in our interactions with others. However, it’s equally crucial to approach attachment styles with understanding, recognizing their fluidity and the diverse experiences that shape them. By doing so, we can foster empathy, cultivate healthier relationships, and embark on a journey of personal growth and relational fulfillment.
Remember, understanding attachment styles is just the beginning – embracing growth and seeking support can lead to transformative changes in how we relate to ourselves and others.
Heartbreak. It’s a word that fills our minds with images of sadness, longing, and pain. But what if I told you heartbreak could also bring us liberation, strength, and a newfound sense of freedom? I would like to share my story today, not to dwell on the past, but to inspire those who may find themselves in a similar situation. I emerged from the depths of a toxic, narcissistic relationship, and I am here to tell you that life after heartbreak can be filled with renewed hope, self-discovery, and joy.In the clutches of a narcissistic partner, everything becomes centered around their desires and ego. You lose yourself, your value, and your identity. But as I broke free from those chains, I realized that my worth goes so much deeper than the love I once craved from someone who could never truly reciprocate it.
The process of healing was not easy; it required a great deal of self-reflection, therapy, and a supportive network. I learned to let go of the blame I placed on myself for staying, for loving so deeply, and for allowing someone to wield power over my emotions. It was not my fault.
Slowly, I began to rebuild the fragments of my shattered heart. I focused on my own well-being, setting boundaries, and rediscovering my passions.
I surrounded myself with people who uplifted and loved me unconditionally.
Most importantly, I learned to love myself again.
Now, as I stand on the other side of heartbreak, I can genuinely say that I am grateful for the experience.
It taught me resilience, compassion, and the importance of fighting for my own happiness.
The scars that once marked my soul now serve as reminders of the strength I possess.
To all those who have emerged or are currently emerging from a narcissistic relationship, know that you are not alone. Your heart may be tender, but it will heal. Embrace the freedom that comes with letting go of a toxic love, and step into the light of self-discovery.
Love yourself fiercely, and celebrate each step forward on this beautiful journey of personal growth.
Your heartbreak has set you free, allowing you to open your arms to a future where you attract only genuine love and kindness.
The love bomb and the discard. The devaluation cycle. You go from on top of the world to the gutter really quick. A little bit of bread crumbing in the middle to give you hope. Just a tiny taste of the love they used to feed you. Scraps really. And it almost seemed like they were coming back. The silent treatment. A whole lot of the silent treatment. Not being acknowledged at all. Maybe ghosting. What’s the real difference when all is said and done?
First, being called a “soul mate”. A “twin flame”. They waited their whole entire life to find you. Then the stone walling. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The lies. You’ll never have to be alone again. That’s the big lie. It just sounds so appealing. Perfect. But somewhere deep down inside you knew that it was too good to be true. But it was beautiful. Magical. Everything you ever wanted. And you can’t fucking believe you fell for it, can you? Was it real? Was it fake? What about the feelings that you experienced? Was it all in your head? All in your heart? Either way, you feel betrayed now.
And of course, they telegraphed the whole break up. Early on. They pretty much told you exactly what they were going to do. All the way down to how they were going to replace the supply. You could see it in their patterns. In the way that they talked about their exes. Their family. Possibly their boss. Sometimes even their friends. Maybe they outright told you. But you were so enamored that you simply refused to believe what they were showing you. Even as they spelled it out…. in crystal clear language.
Red flags. Ignored. So many red flags. They certainly are hard to see through those rose colored glasses, aren’t they? And the whole experience feels dehumanizing, doesn’t it? Suffering in silence. Hoping they’d come back if you just suppressed every want. Eliminated every need. If you could just stop. Stop your anxiety. Stop the meltdowns. You didn’t used to be like this. Your nervous system is disregulated. You haven’t cried this much in years.
And you try not to reach out, but of course you break down and you do, and you look crazy. Each message obviously distraught. You feel crazy too. And I guess in a way you are.That’s what they’d say, right? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. It was never gonna change. Face it, you knew they weren’t coming back. But you have no fucking self respect, do you? You quieted your own needs. Tried to be less you. Begged. Pleaded. Groveled. Just to be met with a wall of silence. You willingly gave away your dignity.
And now you fucking hate people. Don’t know how you will ever trust again. Don’t worry. You won’t. At least not the way you trusted them. And that’s a good thing in the long run. Lessons can look an awful like like love if you don’t pay close attention to the red flags they’re wearing. And that’s what they were. A lesson. Wrapped in red flags. Not love. Just a really fucking hard lesson.
I’m asked what my obsession is with trauma bonds and toxic relationships. There is no obsession. I suppose it’s my drive to point out the signs that should be noticed. Think of it as a P.S.A. for you to be on the lookout for yourself or your friends. I wish my friends would have approached me with this; I’d more than likely still have them but instead they decided to create a Facebook group of how the person I was with was bad, but they failed to tell me that. They also thought of ways for me to get away from him but never acted out. I hope you have friends with a stronger backbone than the ones I had. Think of this as me saving yourself and the friendships that apparently meant more to you.
Toxic relationships can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. When stuck in a toxic relationship, individuals often find themselves trapped in a cycle of abuse, manipulation, and emotional turmoil. One aspect that further complicates the process of leaving a toxic relationship is the presence of a trauma bond. In this blog post, we will explore the concept of a trauma bond and provide insights into how to survive a toxic relationship. Trauma bonds are formed when an individual is exposed to repeated cycles of abuse, manipulation, and emotional distress. This bond can create a sense of loyalty and even love for the abuser, making it incredibly difficult to leave the toxic relationship. In order to break free from the toxic cycle, it is essential to understand the effects of trauma bonds and develop strategies for recovery.
Understanding Toxic Relationships:
A toxic relationship is characterized by consistent patterns of abuse, control, and manipulation. It can be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless. The effects of a toxic relationship can be far-reaching, affecting one’s self-esteem, confidence, and overall mental health. It is crucial to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship to begin the healing process. Seeking help is an important step in escaping a toxic relationship. It can be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance. It is also important to remember that no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Being in a toxic relationship is like being in quicksand; the more you struggle, the further you sink, and it’s hard to get out without help. It’s important to reach out to those who can provide support and guidance in order to break free and begin the healing process.
The Trauma Bond:
A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection that forms between a victim and an abuser. This bond is typically established in the midst of traumatic experiences, where the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser. The abuser uses intermittent reinforcement, alternating between kindness and cruelty, to create an addictive cycle that keeps the victim emotionally tied to them, making it incredibly challenging to break free. The concept of trauma bonding was first explored in the 1980s by Donald G. Dutton and Susan L. Painter in the context of abusive relationships and battered women. This work was then further studied in contexts of parent-child relationships, sexual exploitation, and more.
Effects of a Trauma Bond:
Being trapped in a trauma bond can have severe consequences for the victim’s mental and emotional well-being. Some common effects of trauma bonds include:
1. Cognitive Dissonance: Victims often experience conflicting thoughts and emotions, struggling to reconcile the abuser’s abusive behavior with the intermittent acts of kindness they receive. This cognitive dissonance can cause confusion, self-doubt, and difficulty in making decisions.
2. Emotional Dependency: The victim becomes emotionally reliant on the abuser, seeking validation and approval from them. This dependency can lead to a loss of self-identity and an erosion of self-worth.
3. Isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims, cutting them off from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation further strengthens the trauma bond, making it harder for the victim to seek help or escape the toxic relationship.
Surviving a Toxic Relationship:
While escaping a toxic relationship and breaking the trauma bond can be challenging, it is crucial to prioritize your well-being and start the healing journey. Here are some steps to consider:
1. Recognize the Signs: Educate yourself about the signs of a toxic relationship and understand the dynamics of a trauma bond. 0 This knowledge will empower you to identify and acknowledge the situation you are in.
2. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support and guidance. They can offer a fresh perspective and help you through the healing process.
3. Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your abuser and enforce them. This may involve limiting or cutting off contact, blocking them on social media platforms, or seeking a restraining order if necessary.*
4. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, therapy, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Taking care of yourself will aid in your healing process.
5. Professional Help: Consider seeking therapy or counseling to navigate the emotional challenges associated with a toxic relationship. In order to overcome the trauma bond, you will need guidance, support, and tools from a therapist to allow you to rebuild your life after it was destroyed by trauma.
Surviving a toxic relationship and breaking free from a trauma bond is a courageous journey. It requires self-awareness, resilience, and a commitment to your own well-being. Remember, you are not alone, and there is support available to help you through this difficult time. By recognizing the signs, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, regain your strength, heal, and create a healthier, happier life beyond the toxic relationship. You can take back your power and reclaim your life. You are worthy of the effort, and you are capable of completing the process. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
