Tag: relationships

Healing from Narcissistic Relationships, Codependency & Attachment Trauma

Heal from narcissistic abuse, codependency, and attachment trauma. Learn how to rebuild self-worth, set boundaries, and reclaim your life with Tranquil Balance.

Breaking Free:

Why We Stay in Toxic Relationships

If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do I keep ending up with narcissists?” or “Why do I lose myself in relationships?”—you’re not alone.

When I first began studying narcissistic abuse and codependency, I realized something powerful: these patterns don’t happen by accident. They’re often rooted in attachment trauma from childhood—homes where love was conditional, emotions were dismissed, or boundaries weren’t respected.

One client once shared, “I thought if I loved harder, they would finally love me back.” That belief kept her trapped in cycles of over-giving and heartbreak until she learned how to rebuild her self-worth. Stories like hers are not unique—they’re the reality for many survivors.

What Codependency Really Looks Like

Codependency is more than “being too nice.” It’s a survival strategy. Common signs include:

Difficulty saying “no”
Prioritizing others over yourself
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Anxiety when someone pulls away
Believing your worth depends on keeping others happy

At its core, codependency is self-abandonment—trading your needs, voice, and identity for a false sense of love or security.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Narcissistic abuse often begins with love bombing—lavish attention and promises of forever. Over time it shifts into:

Gaslighting: Making you question your own reality.
Devaluation: Withdrawing affection or respect.
Control: Criticism, manipulation, or isolation.

For a codependent, this feels like home—familiar, even if painful. That’s what makes it so difficult to leave.

How Attachment Styles Shape Your Relationships

Your attachment style is the invisible blueprint behind your relationship patterns:

Anxious Attachment → over-giving, fear of abandonment, needing constant reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment → fear of intimacy, emotional distancing, shutting down.
Disorganized Attachment → a mix of both—wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.

The good news? Attachment wounds can heal. Moving toward secure attachment means relationships that are mutual, safe, and fulfilling.

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5 Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing takes courage, but these five steps can help you rebuild from the inside out:

Name the Pattern
Awareness is power. Label gaslighting, love bombing, or people-pleasing for what they are so you can break denial.
Rebuild Self-Worth
Journaling, affirmations, and shadow work help you reconnect with your authentic self. Healing is remembering who you were before you were told you weren’t enough.
Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries are not walls—they are self-respect. Saying “no” is an act of protection, not punishment.
Heal Attachment Wounds
Through inner child work, therapy, or coaching, you can release old stories that kept you stuck in toxic cycles.
Find Safe Support
Healing isn’t meant to be done alone. Accountability and compassion from a trusted coach, therapist, or support group accelerate recovery.

Why Healing Is Hard—And Worth It

Leaving a narcissistic or codependent relationship is only step one. The deeper work is unlearning the false beliefs that kept you there: “I’m not enough,” “I have to fix them,” “Love means sacrifice.”

Healing is worth it because you stop repeating cycles. You stop chasing approval. You stop mistaking crumbs for love.

Instead, you begin to:

Trust yourself again
Attract healthier relationships
Live from your authentic worth

One client put it best: “I thought leaving was the end of my story. But healing was the beginning of my freedom.”

Resources for Further Healing

If you’d like to explore more, here are helpful resources:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk — a powerful look at how trauma lives in the body.
Attachment Theory Explained — an overview of how attachment styles shape relationships.
My Podcast: Facing the Mirror — weekly insights on shadow work, healing, and radical ownership.

Share Your Story

Your journey matters. Have you experienced codependency or narcissistic abuse? What step in healing has been the hardest—or most rewarding—for you?

💬 Share your thoughts in the comments below. You never know who your story might inspire.

🌿 Start Your Healing Journey with Tranquil Balance

You don’t have to figure this out alone. At Tranquil Balance Life Coaching, I help survivors of narcissistic abuse and codependency:

Break free from toxic cycles
Heal attachment wounds and inner child pain
Rebuild self-worth and boundaries
Step into secure, authentic love

✨ Schedule your free consultation today at www.healingmyfeelings.com

Because surviving is not enough—you deserve to thrive.

Understanding Your Relationship with Yourself

I’m not sure if I’ve already posted this but I’ve been clearing out my writing folders and podcast scripts and didn’t want this goody to go to waste.

Today we’re diving into one of the most important, and yet most overlooked, relationships in our lives, the one we have with ourselves.

Let me say this upfront:
The relationship you have with yourself is the primary relationship in your life.
Everything else: your friendships, your romantic partnerships, your career, your finances is a mirror reflecting what’s going on in that inner world.

Now let’s begin this journey by asking a question:
What is your relationship to you?
Whether you’re conscious of it or not, whatever is unresolved or unhealed within you is going to show up in every single area of your life.

Let me give you an example:
If you carry the belief, “I’m not good enough,” chances are that belief will bleed into your career.
If you think, “I don’t deserve to receive,” don’t be surprised when your financial life feels blocked or inconsistent.
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts, but they become the lens you see life through.

So, to really reach our potential, we have to start by looking inward and identifying what’s hurt, what’s wounded, what’s been buried and then tend to it.

Heal it. Empower it. Reprogram it.

And when we do that?
We don’t just feel better.
We become better in our self-esteem, in how we show up in relationships, in how we manage money, in how we handle stress. Literally, everything shifts.

So why don’t we learn this earlier?
The truth is, we rarely get this modeled for us growing up.
We live in a system built around classical conditioning — punishment and reward — and it trains us to look outward for approval, instead of inward for connection.

As kids, most of us were born into unconditional love. Somewhere around age two, that love starts to feel… conditional.
We start hearing messages like:
“Be a good boy.” “Do better.” “That’s not enough.”
And even if it’s well-intentioned, our little brains start to internalize these patterns as:
“I’m only lovable when I behave.”
“Love is something I earn.”
“If I mess up, I lose connection.”

That’s the first trauma most of us carry: the shift from unconditional to conditional love.
And it sticks… shaping how we talk to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we expect to be treated by others.

So let me ask you:
What does your relationship to self look like today?

Do you show yourself compassion when you make a mistake?
Do you give yourself space to rest when you’re tired?
Do you listen to your own needs?
Do you keep your own boundaries?
Or are you still operating from outdated beliefs handed to you before you even knew who you were?

Here’s the truth:
Your self-relationship affects everything.
It sets your comfort zone, what you tolerate from others, what you believe you’re worthy of, and even what kinds of people you’re drawn to.
So if you find yourself constantly attracting people who hurt, abandon, or manipulate you
You’re not cursed.
You’re not broken.
You’re just unconsciously recreating the patterns you were taught.

Here’s the good news:
You can reprogram all of it.

Let’s talk ingredients.
There are five key components of a healthy relationship to self:

Self-awareness — Truly knowing yourself and having a stable sense of identity.
Self-respect — Treating yourself in a healthy, loving, and kind way.
Self-loyalty — Looking out for your own best interests and showing up for yourself.
Self-responsibility — Taking accountability for your choices and your healing.
Self-protection — Supporting yourself, protecting your energy, and caring for your emotional and physical needs.

When these pieces are in place, you don’t just survive but you thrive.

So, why does all of this matter?
It matters because your relationship to yourself is the blueprint for every other relationship you have.

It sets the tone for:

What behaviors you’ll tolerate from others
How you respond when someone crosses your boundaries
Whether or not you feel comfortable asking for your needs to be met
If you believe you deserve real, consistent, trustworthy love

When your internal world is calm, kind, and clear your external world starts to reflect that.

Now, here’s the final thought I want to leave you with today:
Every relationship outside of you , every challenge, trigger, or pattern is a reflection of your internal relationship to self.
And that means:
You don’t have to change the world to change your life.
You just have to come home to you.

Until then, be gentle with yourself.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You’re just remembering who you’ve always been.

Consider booking a 1:1 session
You can learn more at www.healingmyfeelings.com.

Remember: healing starts within.

Radical Confidence

Rain Check

That’s how I would describe my life. Rain Check

I sometimes feel I received less than I deserved but more than I had asked for. It’s a struggle.
I don’t know how others view themselves, but I like me. I love ME, to be honest, but it just takes one person to change the way you view yourself. To make you feel yourself worth is less than nothing. Why do we allow others to determine our worth? Is it truly lack boundaries? It is low self-esteem or co-dependency. I think it’s none of the above.

Deep down inside, I had this vision of what I expected my life to be like and it really did come out to a certain extent, but what I do remember when I was growing up, is the fact I never imagined a family or marriage. Honestly, I would not even play ‘House’ and have a fake wedding. It scared me. How? Why? I was never around a failed marriage. I never knew my parents together so how would I have known that it wasn’t right for us to not all be together? Yet, here I am, wanting someone to be in my life, I want someone to be there for me and those who have that, more than likely want to be alone.

Humans are a fickle breed.

When Hope Becomes an Addiction in Toxic Relationships

Hope is often seen as a virtue, a beacon of light that guides us through the darkest times. From childhood, we are taught that hope is always a good thing—that if we just believe hard enough, things will eventually get better. What happens when hope becomes an addiction—an anchor that keeps us tethered to toxic, abusive relationships? For many who struggle with codependency, people-pleasing, or deep-seated fears of abandonment, hope can morph into a trap, keeping them in cycles of pain and disappointment.

When Hope Becomes a Trap

In a healthy context, hope is about looking forward to positive possibilities, but in a toxic relationship, it can become a survival mechanism. Those entangled in abusive or one-sided relationships often cling to the hope that things will change, that the person who hurts them will one day realize their mistakes and treat them with the love and respect they deserve. This kind of hyper-hope overrides reality, making it difficult to walk away even when all evidence suggests that leaving is the only way to heal.

Hope, when misplaced, becomes a way to justify mistreatment. It convinces us to endure pain in anticipation of a better future that never arrives. This is how hope becomes addictive—feeding the cycle of waiting, tolerating, and staying stuck.

As a coach, I hear about this battle with hope from my clients every day. It is the biggest struggle they face—knowing deep down that their situation is harmful but feeling completely unable to detach because hope keeps whispering, maybe this time things will change. The weight of this hope is immense, making even the thought of leaving feel unbearable.

Codependency and the Illusion of Change

Codependency thrives on hope. Those who struggle with codependent tendencies often believe that if they just love harder, sacrifice more, or fix the other person, they can turn the relationship into what they dream it to be. They see potential instead of reality and invest their entire emotional world into the idea that things could improve. This belief is reinforced when abusers throw breadcrumbs—small moments of kindness, apologies, or fleeting promises of change—giving just enough to keep the hope alive.

This addiction to hope can be so consuming that leaving feels impossible. The idea of giving up on the dream, of accepting that change will not come, feels more unbearable than the abuse itself.

People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disappointing Others

People-pleasers struggle to walk away because they fear being seen as cruel, selfish, or heartless. They hold onto hope because letting go means accepting that they cannot make everyone happy. Many have been conditioned to believe that their worth is tied to how much they can endure for others, so they stay, hoping their patience and kindness will eventually be rewarded.

This hyper-hope paralyses them, making it difficult to prioritize their own well-being. The fear of hurting someone else—even someone who has repeatedly hurt them—keeps them locked in toxic dynamics far beyond their breaking point.

Abandonment Wounds and the Desperation for Connection

For those with deep abandonment wounds, the idea of cutting ties feels like self-inflicted pain. The longing to be chosen, loved, or validated fuels the addiction to hope. They would rather hold onto a broken relationship than risk feeling unworthy, alone, or forgotten.

This desperation makes them more susceptible to manipulation. Abusers sense this fear and exploit it, using false hope to maintain control. They know just when to apologize, when to offer a sliver of affection, and when to pull away—keeping their victims in a state of constant emotional hunger. This was my overwhelming reason for staying in abusive relationships and I was absolutely addicted to hope.

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope

Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:

Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. But these feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

Hope, in its truest form, should not be a chain but a set of wings. When we free ourselves from the addiction of false hope, we open ourselves to the possibility of a life where love, respect, and happiness are not things we desperately wait for but things we create for ourselves.

It is time to break the cycle and choose you.

Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope

What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?
How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being? Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?
If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me? What do these emotions tell me about my fears?
Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behaviour because I hoped things would get better? What was the outcome?
What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

You can begin your healing by claiming your Discovery Call

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope Healing

I was absolutely addicted to hope.
Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:
Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. These feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

Hope, in its truest form, should not be a chain but a set of wings. When we free ourselves from the addiction of false hope, we open ourselves to the possibility of a life where love, respect, and happiness are not things we desperately wait for but things we create for ourselves.
It is time to break the cycle and choose you

.Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope
What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?

*How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being?

*Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?

*If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me?

*What do these emotions tell me about my fears?

*Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behavior because I hoped things would get better?
What was the outcome?

*What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

The Addiction of Hope: How It Keeps Us Stuck in Toxic Relationships

When Hope Becomes a Trap

Codependency and the Illusion of Change

This addiction to hope can be so consuming that leaving feels impossible. The idea of giving up on the dream, of accepting that change will not come, feels more unbearable than the abuse itself.

People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disappointing Others

This hyper-hope paralysis them, making it difficult to prioritize their own well-being. The fear of hurting someone else—even someone who has repeatedly hurt them—keeps them locked in toxic dynamics far beyond their breaking point.

Abandonment Wounds and the Desperation for Connection

Breaking Free from the Addiction of Hope

Healing requires recognizing that misplaced hope is not love—it is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us. Breaking free from this cycle means:

Accepting Reality Over Potential – A person’s actions speak louder than their words or your dreams of who they could be. If they have shown you time and again that they will not change, believe them.
Understanding That Hope Is Not a Strategy – Hope does not heal wounds, change people, or turn toxic love into healthy love. It is not your responsibility to stay in harm’s way just because you believe things could be different.
Learning to Sit with Discomfort – Walking away will feel painful. The addiction to hope creates withdrawal symptoms—grief, self-doubt, loneliness. But these feelings are temporary, whereas staying in a toxic relationship only guarantees prolonged suffering.
Reclaiming Your Power – Instead of hoping for someone else to change, redirect that energy into yourself. Hope for your future, your growth, your healing. Placing hope in yourself, rather than someone who continues to hurt you, may feel unfamiliar at first, but it is the most powerful shift you can make.

It is time to break the cycle and choose you.

Journal Prompts to Break Through Toxic Hope

What do I hope will change if I stay in this relationship, and what evidence do I have that the change I am hoping for is actually happening?
How has holding onto hope affected my emotional and mental well-being? Has it empowered me or kept me stuck?
If I let go of hope that this person will change, what emotions come up for me? What do these emotions tell me about my fears?
Have I ever ignored red flags or excused harmful behavior because I hoped things would get better? What was the outcome?
What would my life look like if I placed hope in myself and my future instead of waiting for someone else to change?

Healing from Narcissistic Relationships: A Guide to Understanding, Growth, and Recovery

Healing from Narcissistic Relationships: A Guide to Understanding, Growth, and Recovery

Narcissistic relationships are among the most complex, draining, and damaging connections we can experience. Whether you’re still in one, recently out, or supporting someone navigating this dynamic, the effects can leave you questioning your worth, your instincts, and even your sense of reality. But here’s the truth: healing is not just possible—it’s transformative.

As someone who has been through this journey myself, I’ve learned that the path to recovery isn’t just about leaving the relationship; it’s about reclaiming yourself. This post will offer insight into the narcissistic dynamic, steps toward healing, and tools for both survivors and professionals to better navigate this terrain.

What Makes Narcissistic Relationships So Harmful?

At their core, narcissistic relationships operate on control, manipulation, and emotional neglect. Narcissists often use tactics like gaslighting, love-bombing, and silent treatments to maintain power. Over time, these behaviors erode your self-esteem and create a cycle of dependence.

For those who love a narcissist, the experience is like being in an emotional tug-of-war. They may show moments of charm and vulnerability that make you stay, only to flip the script when you least expect it. You end up walking on eggshells, constantly trying to meet their needs while losing sight of your own.

Professionals working with survivors often hear phrases like:

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I feel like everything is my fault.”
“I’m terrified of what they’ll do if I leave.”

These statements highlight the profound psychological and emotional toll of these relationships. Understanding the depth of this impact is crucial in providing effective support.

For Those Still in the Relationship

If you’re still in a narcissistic relationship, you might feel stuck or even unsure if what you’re experiencing is abuse. Here are some steps to take:

Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic behaviors and patterns. Knowledge is power and can help you separate their manipulation from your truth.
Set Boundaries: Start small. Practice saying “no” or expressing your needs, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Build a Support System: Confide in trusted friends, family, or a professional who understands narcissistic abuse.
Create an Exit Plan: If leaving feels impossible, start planning for it safely. This might mean saving money, documenting incidents, or seeking legal advice.

For Those on the Other Side

If you’ve left the relationship, first and foremost—congratulations. Walking away from a narcissist takes immense courage. But healing doesn’t end there. Many survivors struggle with guilt, shame, and a loss of identity after leaving.

Here’s how to begin rebuilding:

Reconnect with Yourself: Journaling, therapy, or working with a coach can help you rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Narcissists are masters at planting seeds of self-doubt. Replace those lies with affirmations rooted in your truth.
Surround Yourself with Positivity: Join support groups or communities of people who understand what you’ve been through. This connection can be a lifeline.
Seek Professional Help: Healing often requires guidance. Therapists and life coaches trained in narcissistic abuse recovery can provide tools and strategies to rebuild your confidence.

For Professionals Supporting Survivors

Whether you’re a therapist, counselor, or coach, working with survivors of narcissistic relationships requires compassion and a trauma-informed approach. Here’s how you can help:

Validate Their Experience: Many survivors feel dismissed or misunderstood. Affirm their reality and acknowledge their pain.
Focus on Empowerment: Shift the narrative from victimhood to resilience. Help clients set goals and regain their autonomy.
Understand Trauma Responses: Survivors may display hypervigilance, people-pleasing tendencies, or fear of confrontation. Tailor your approach to honor these responses without reinforcing them.
Encourage Healthy Attachments: Survivors often struggle with trust. Help them navigate relationships that feel safe and mutually supportive.

Healing Together

My own journey through narcissistic abuse led me to become a life coach specializing in this area. I’ve walked this path, felt the despair, and experienced the freedom on the other side. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping others not just survive but thrive.

Whether you’re still in the relationship, newly out, or supporting someone you care about, you don’t have to do this alone. Healing is possible, and it starts with small, intentional steps.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to help you. I offer personalized coaching sessions tailored to your unique needs, whether you’re navigating the aftermath of a toxic relationship or simply seeking to understand yourself better.

You deserve to heal. You deserve to thrive. You deserve to reclaim your life.

Let’s start this journey together.
Visit Healing My Feelings or email me at Info@healingmyfeelings.com to learn more.

Final Thoughts

Recovery from a narcissistic relationship isn’t easy, but it’s worth every ounce of effort. Remember, healing isn’t about changing the narcissist or understanding their behavior—it’s about rediscovering your strength and rebuilding your life.

To those still in the storm: you are stronger than you know. To those on the other side: your best days are ahead. And to the professionals supporting survivors: your work matters more than you can imagine.

Let’s heal, together.

Breaking Free from Codependency: Steps Toward a Healthier You

Have you ever found yourself putting someone else’s needs above your own, to the point where you lose sight of who you really are? Or maybe you feel like you’re constantly giving, but somehow not getting the support or love you deserve in return? If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the grip of codependency.

Codependency isn’t just about being overly attached to someone—it’s about losing your sense of self in the process of trying to please, care for, or fix others. Recognizing codependency is the first step toward reclaiming your life and rediscovering your own needs, boundaries, and desires.

What is Codependency? At its core, codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person sacrifices their own well-being to meet the needs of another. It often happens in relationships where one person may struggle with addiction, emotional turmoil, or narcissism, and the other becomes overly responsible for their partner’s emotions and actions.

If you’re codependent, you may:

Feel like you need to “save” others from their problems
Struggle with setting boundaries
Often put your own needs on the backburner for fear of upsetting others
Feel anxious or guilty when you try to focus on your own well-being

But here’s the thing: breaking free from codependency isn’t about abandoning the people you care about—it’s about finding a balance that allows you to care for yourself too.

How to Start the Healing Process

Acknowledge the Pattern The first step is often the hardest: recognizing that you might be in a codependent dynamic. This can be challenging because it often feels like you’re just being loving or helpful. Ask yourself: Am I losing myself in this relationship? Am I feeling drained or neglected? These questions can help you gain clarity.
Set Healthy Boundaries Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about protecting your energy and well-being. Start small—whether it’s saying “no” when you need to or setting limits on how much you give emotionally. Boundaries are an essential part of building a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Reconnect with Yourself Remember who you are outside of your relationships. Spend time doing things that nurture you—whether it’s a hobby you’ve neglected, a self-care routine, or just some quiet time alone. When you prioritize your own needs, you can show up as a stronger, more grounded version of yourself.
Seek Support You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Whether through therapy, support groups, or a life coach, there are people who can help you process the emotions tied to codependency. The more support you have, the more empowered you’ll feel to make lasting changes.
Practice Self-Compassion Healing takes time, and you may face setbacks along the way. Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge the progress you’ve made and remind yourself that you’re worthy of love and respect—just as you are.

Codependency doesn’t have to define your relationships. By setting boundaries, reconnecting with yourself, and seeking support, you can break free from the cycle and create healthier, more fulfilling connections. Remember, you deserve love, care, and attention—not just from others, but from yourself too.

Are you ready to take the first step toward healing and reclaiming your life? It’s never too late to start.

Schedule TODAY!

Breaking Free from Enmeshment: Protecting the Emotional Well-Being of a Child

Men are what their mother’s made them

Parenting is a complex journey, but at its core, it should be about nurturing a child, not using them as an emotional crutch. When a parent cannot get their needs met by those around them and instead turns to their child to fulfill emotional voids, the results can be damaging. This dynamic, often rooted in enmeshment, puts the child in an unfair and unhealthy position that can lead to lasting resentment, emotional exhaustion, and an overwhelming desire for independence.

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment occurs when a parent’s emotional boundaries blur, creating an unhealthy level of closeness and dependency between them and their child. This is not the same as a strong bond or loving relationship—it’s when a parent expects their child to meet emotional needs they should be addressing with peers, partners, or professionals.

For example, if a mother is emotionally immature and struggles to navigate adult relationships, she might turn to her son to provide the support, validation, and stability she craves. While it may not be intentional, the son is forced into a role he didn’t sign up for: caretaker, confidant, or even pseudo-partner.

The Burden on the Child

Children need the freedom to grow, explore, and develop their own identity. When they are tasked with managing a parent’s emotional needs, they are robbed of that freedom. The consequences are often profound:

Emotional Burnout: Constantly being responsible for someone else’s emotional stability is exhausting, especially for a child or teenager.
Stunted Personal Growth: The child may struggle to form their own identity or establish healthy boundaries in relationships.
Resentment and Distance: Feeling trapped in this dynamic often leads to anger and resentment. In many cases, the child may count down the days until they can leave home to escape the unhealthy environment.
Long-Term Impact: The effects of enmeshment can ripple into adulthood, leading to difficulty with boundaries, guilt, or choosing similarly unhealthy relationships.

Why the Parent’s Emotional Immaturity Matters

When a parent doesn’t have the tools to regulate their emotions or cultivate healthy adult relationships, they place an unfair burden on their child. Emotional immaturity often looks like:

An inability to handle conflict or rejection.
A tendency to make the child feel responsible for their happiness.
Using guilt, manipulation, or over-dependence to maintain control.

While the parent may feel justified in seeking comfort from their child, the reality is that this dynamic damages the very bond they’re trying to preserve. It pushes the child away, leaving them resentful and eager to distance themselves the moment they’re able to, when turning eighteen or wanting to live with a grandparent to break away.

How to Break the Cycle

For parents caught in this cycle, it’s never too late to change. The first step is self-awareness and recognizing the harm being caused. Here’s how to start:

Seek Professional Help: Therapy can provide tools for emotional regulation, healthy boundary-setting, and personal growth.
Build Adult Support Systems: Lean on friends, family, or support groups—not your child—for emotional support.
Encourage Independence: Allow your child to be their own person without imposing your emotional needs onto them.
Apologize and Rebuild Trust: If your child has already expressed frustration or pulled away, a sincere apology and a commitment to change can go a long way in healing the relationship.

For the Child: Reclaiming Your Independence

If you’ve grown up in an enmeshed dynamic, it’s important to prioritize your well-being. Seek support from a trusted adult, counselor, or therapist to process your emotions and learn to set healthy boundaries. Remember, your parent’s happiness is not your responsibility; They need to accept accountability for their own emotions.

Final Thoughts/Unsolicited Advice

A child should never have to carry the emotional weight of their parent’s unmet needs. The role of a parent is to support and guide, not to rely on their child as a surrogate partner or emotional anchor due to their own insecurities and fears of abandonment. Breaking free from enmeshment takes courage and work, but it’s a step toward healthier relationships and a brighter future—for both the parent and the child.

Let’s give children the freedom they deserve to thrive, love, and live unburdened by adult responsibilities they were never meant to bear.